1016 - The One With Rachel's Going Away Party
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano &
Final check by Kim
[Scene: Joey's place. Rachel and Joey
Joey: All right, all right, all right,
let's play one more time, ok? And remember, if I win
you do not move to Paris.
Rachel: Ok! Can't believe I'm risking
this again, but you're on! All right Joe, you remember
the rules! Heads I win, tails you lose.
Joey: Just flip!
Rachel (she flips the coin): Ha, tails!
(Chandler and Monica enter the room)
Chandler: So we thought we'd throw
you little going away party around seven.
Rachel: Oh, that sounds good!
Monica: Hey, Rach, you're leaving
tomorrow, shouldn't you be packing?
Rachel: It's all done!
Monica: Oh, yeah, right! And after
I took a shower this morning I just threw my towel on
the floor! Oh God, it hurts to even joke about it.
Rachel: I know... Honey, seriously,
I did it all. The luggage that I'm taking is in the
bedroom, this is Emma's Paris stuff, these are the boxes
that I'm having shipped, and that's the sandwich that
I made for the plane...
Monica: Ok, so you've done some good
work! (pause) What about your carry-ons?
Rachel: Oh, well. Everything that
I need (she takes her bag) is in here and my travel
documents are on the counter organized in the order
that I will be needing them.
Monica: Oh my God! I have nothing
left to teach you! (they hug)
Chandler: Where's your passport?
Rachel: It should be right next to
my plane ticket.
Chandler: Well, it's not.
Rachel: What? Maybe I put it in here
(she opens her bag). Oh, oh, it's not in there! Oh,
no! I must have packed it in one of these boxes!
Monica: Here, let me help you. (they
both start opening boxes)
Rachel: Shoot. Oh, I can't believe
I did this!
Chandler (to Joey): At what point
did it stop being funny that I took her passport?
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica and
Erica are talking about the baby, and Monica is rubbing
Monica: Oh, wow, can you believe you're
like three weeks away?
Erica: I know.
Monica: You don't mind me touching
your belly, do you?
Erica: No, I don't mind you touching
my belly, but right now your hand is kind of blocking
the part where the baby is gonna come out.
(She takes her hand off Erica. Ross enters the room)
Ross: Hey Erica, welcome back to town!
(pause) Wow, look how big you've gotten.
Erica: That's because I'm pregnant!
Ross: Right, no, I understand.
Erica: Oh, ok. I'm just always afraid
that people think I'm just fat with big breasts.
Ross: No, no, I knew (he stares at
Monica (to Ross): Okay, well, stop
staring at them.
Ross: She brought them up! (pause)
I didn't realize you were coming back so soon!
Erica: Hey, well, in a couple of weeks
I won't be able to travel.
Monica: Yeah, and I wanted her to
get to know the doctors and get settled into the hotel.
Ross: Hotel? Why isn't she staying
with you guys?
Monica: Because we're moving in a
couple of days and it just didn't make sense.
Erica: Plus hotels are fun! My room
has this little fridge full of free snacks!
Ross: Erica, those things aren't free.
In fact they have one of the highest mark-ups of any
Monica: Ross! She's giving us her
baby. She can eat you if she wants.
Erica (standing up): I'll be right
Ross: Oh man, I can't believe you
guys are leaving this place.
Monica: Oh, I know. I know. Hey, you
know, you can take it if you want! The lease is still
in Nana's name.
Ross: No, no. This will always be
your place. It would be too sad. Plus, how
much a month does it cost to feed Joey?
Monica: Yeah, it takes two incomes.
Ross: Hey, is Chandler here? We talked
about catching a movie.
Monica: Oh, no. He doesn't have time
for that. But if you want, you can go help him and Joey
pack up the guest room.
Ross: Mhm, (he balance things) packing
- sexy cheerleader comedy.
Monica: Mhm, helpful brother - creepy
loner at teen movie.
(Ross takes the tape roll she's handing him and walks
to the guest room while mocking Monica's voice)
[Scene: Guest room. Joey has his head
wrapped in bubbled wrap and Chandler is punching him.
Ross enters the room.]
Ross: What are you guys doing?
Joey: Try it, I can't feel a thing!
(Ross starts punching him too)
Monica (enters the room): Are, are
you kidding? This is packing?
Chandler: We're taking a break!
Chandler: Jumping on the bed?
Monica: All right, Rachel's party
is in a couple of hours and there's a lot to do. Now,
Ross, you got Geller blood, you're in charge of these
Ross: You got it! (Monica leaves,
Ross closes the door). All right, she's right, we gotta
get serious. (He grabs a bag of styrofoam peanuts) Let's
put styrofoam peanuts down his pants and kick him!
Chandler: No, no, no, guys. She's
right. We should get to work. I'll take stuff out of
the closet, Joey you pack 'em and Ross you re-pack whatever
(Joey takes the bubble wrap off his head)
Joey: You guys hear a ringing?
Chandler: (holding a pair of furry
handcuffs) What the hell is this?
Joey: Hey! Handcuffs! And fur line,
nice! I didn't know you guys had it in ya!
Ross: Chandler, you don't have a sister
so you can't understand how much this bums me out.
Chandler: I didn't know Monica had
Joey: Mhm, maybe she used them with
another boyfriend. Maybe Richard!
Chandler: Why would she use them with
Richard and not me? I can be kinky! I once did a naked
dance for her... with scarves!
Ross: Bumming hard, guys, bumming
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe and
Ross enter the room.]
Monica: Hey! Where's Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, he has a gig. I kinda
like being married to a rock star, you know. My husband
has a gig.
Ross: Yeah? Yeah, where is it?
Phoebe: Oh, he's playing organ for
a children's roller-skating party.
Ross: Rock on!
Phoebe (watching the food on the table):
Wow, this is quite a spread! (pause) What is all this
Monica: Well, I thought this would
be a great opportunity to use up all the food that I
don't want to move to the new house with me! So, enjoy:
smoke oyster casserole with a breakfast cereal crust,
kidney beans in their own juices, and for dessert, a
Joey: (entering the room) Hey.
Ross: Hey, where's Rach?
Joey: Oh, she's putting Emma down,
she'll be over in a second.
Joey: Now it just hit her that she's
leaving and she's kind of emotional so no one say anything
to set her off, ok?
(Rachel enters the room)
Everybody: Hey Rach, hey you.
Ross: Here she is!
Rachel (crying): Hi you guys!
Joey: What did I just say?
Rachel: No, no, no. It's ok. I'm gonna
Monica: Come here, I'll make you a
Ross: Oh, man! I can't believe she's
actually leaving. How am I gonna say goodbye to Rachel?
Chandler: I know, she's been such
a big part of my life. And it feels like when Melrose
Place got cancelled. (Ross and Joey looks puzzled) I
mean... oh, forget it. I miss Melrose Place!
Joey (to Ross): You know, I had a
chance to stop her too!
Joey: Who loses fifty seven coin tosses
in a row? Head she wins, tails I lose. (he stops and
starts realizing something) Wait a minute...
Chandler: Yes, Joe?
Joey: I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning!
Phoebe (to Rachel): You doing ok?
Rachel: Well, I've been better.
Rachel: You guys are gonna come and
visit me, right?
Phoebe: Yes! You know, in six months
the Statute of Limitations runs out and I can travel
Rachel: I'm gonna miss you so much.
Phoebe: I know.
Rachel: You know what? Uhm, I have
some goodbye stuff that I wanted to say to each of you
and I was gonna save it until the end of the night,
but come here (they go into the guest room).
Ross: Hey, what do you think they're
doing in there?
Joey: Huh, if I had to guess I'd say
Rachel is putting on the bubble wrap and Phoebe is doing
[Scene: Guest room. Rachel and Phoebe
are sitting on the bed.]
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, I don't even know
where to start.
Phoebe: Ok well, before you do, I
know we weren't supposed to get you going away presents,
(she takes something out from her pocket) but I do have
something for you.
Rachel: Oh, oh. (she's holding the
present, a transparent bag with a white stick in it).
What is this?
Phoebe: It's a cotton swab with a
bit of my saliva on it, so that if they perfect the
cloning process while you are over there, you can use
the DNA to create your own Pheebs!
Rachel: I'm gonna throw this away,
but thank you so much for the gesture!
[Scene: Monica's apartment. The living
Monica: Chandler? I was just in our
bedroom and I found these (she holds the furry handcuffs)
on my pillow.
Chandler: Oh, yes. I decided to leave
these out for you in case Richard stops by and you wanna
engage on a little light bondage and moustache play!
Monica: What are you talking about?
These aren't mine.
Chandler: Oh yeah, right! Good luck
getting another scarf dance from me!
Monica: That would be a terrible
punishment. But, I'm serious, I've never seen these
Chandler: Really? Then what are they
doing in our guestroom?
Monica: Rachel used to live in that
Chandler: Rachel... with handcuffs!
Interesting! (he looks excited)
Monica: Joey's bare ass!
Chandler: (he doesn't look excited
anymore). Well played.
(Phoebe and Rachel enter the living room.)
Rachel: I love you Phoebe.
Phoebe: I love you too. (they hug)
Please don't... Don't turn into... you know... French
bitch! (they hug again)
Rachel: All right. Well, if I gonna
do this, I'd better keep going.
Rachel: Ok. Monica?
Rachel: Can you come here with me
for a minute?
Phoebe: (to Monica) Are you wearing
Phoebe: Oh, you're so screwed. (Monica
goes into the guest room)
Ross: (to Phoebe) Hey. What was that
Phoebe: She's gonna say goodbye to
each of us individually.
Ross: Are you kidding? Oh my God...
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, it's gonna be
even worse for you... God... Ross, get ready to do some
Ross: Oh, man, I'm not going to be
able to handle this. (pause) Now I know how my students
feel at the end of each year. And why they act out by
giving me such bad evaluations.
[Scene: The guest bedroom. Rachel and
Monica are talking to each other.]
Rachel: Mon... Okay... I've gotta...
just say what it is I'm gonna say... None of the amazing
things that have happened to me in the last ten years,
would have happened if it wasn't for you. No-one has
been more like a sister to me...
Monica: I know what you mean. You're
like a sister to me too.
Rachel: (starts crying and speaking
at the same time, making it almost impossible to understand
what she's saying) I wouldn't know what I'm gonna do
Monica: (having the same problem)
You're the best friend I ever had.
Rachel: (says something that cannot
Rachel: I... I... I... (again saying
something that cannot be understood)
Monica: That is so sweet. (they hug)
[Scene: Back to the living room. Monica
and Rachel enter and hug each other. The guys see this.]
Ross: (to Joey) Oh no, she took down
Monica... And I'm the crier in the family. Oh God! I
could be next. Maybe she won't talk with me if it looks
like we're deep in converstation. Oh, so that thing
you said about the thing. It really made me think about
that other thing.
Chandler: Uh, Rach?
Ross: Well it's okay. Chandler is
talking to her.
Joey: I really made you think about
that thing uh?
Chandler: (to Rachel) Uh, Rach...
I think I have something that belongs to you. (shows
her the cuffs)
Rachel: (laughs) Oh, I'm sure gonna
miss pretending to laugh at your weird jokes that I
Chandler: No, no, no... They're really
yours. We... found them in your old room.
Rachel: Well, these aren't mine. Maybe
Monica used to use them with...
Chandler: Don't say Richard! Well,
if they're not Monica's and they're not yours, then
whose are they?
Rachel: Well, I think you're forgetting
the kinkiest former resident of that room.
Phoebe: (from the other side of the
Chandler: I think these are yours.
Phoebe: These are not mine... Look
how flimsy they are, come on! Good God! You try to hang
a guy from a waterpipe with these, they'll snap like
a piece of licorice.
Rachel: (to Chandler) Can I talk to
you alone for a minute?
Chandler: Sure. (to Phoebe) You don't
really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you?
Phoebe: Where do you think Mike really
is? (she giggles, Chandler looks aghast)
[Scene: The guest bedroom. Chandler and
Rachel: Oh honey...
Chandler: Let me just say something...
Because once we get into this, I'm gonna get all uncomfortable
and probably make some stupid joke... I just want to
say that I... I love you... And, I'm gonna miss you.
And I'm so sad that you're leaving.
Rachel: (all mushy) Oh, you know what?
Let's not say anything else. I love you. (they
Chandler: Ooh, not so tight... (blows
raspberry, and the hug ends) I'm sorry, just give me
one more chance.
Rachel: Okay. Oh...
(Chandler blows raspberry again)
Chandler: I'm sor... Just go. Just
go. I can't, I can't.
[Scene: Monica's living room. We look
outside to the balcony where Rachel is saying goodbye
Monica: (to Ross) So, I guess you're
next. You're ready?
Ross: I don't think so.
Chandler: Oh, you're definately not.
I haven't cried like that in years.
Monica: You cried yesterday at the
six o'clock news.
Chandler: That old woman was being
scammed by her mechanic.
Ross: God! I can't believe she saved
me for last. (looking out to the balcony) Why are they
taking so long?
Phoebe: I don't know. But, God, Joey
seems to be handling it suprisingly well.
(Rachel and Joey hug, and Rachel turns to enter the
apartment through the side window again. At that moment
Joey tries to climb over the edge of the balcony.)
All: No, no, no, no!
(Rachel rushes back and pulls Joey back onto the balcony,
and takes him inside.)
Ross: Okay, here we go...
Rachel: Oh... (holding Ross's shoulder)
Rachel: I think I'm gonna take off.
(pats Ross on his back, but he looks very surprised)
Rachel: Oh, you guys. This was an
amazing night. Thank you so much. I love you. Good night.
(She leaves the apartment and they all stare at Ross)
Ross: What? I don't get a goodbye?
Joey: (still very emotional) Lucky
[Scene: Monica's apartment continued...
Phoebe, Chandler, Monica and Joey are sitting down and
Ross is pacing up and down.]
Ross: Unbelievable. She says goodbye
to everyone but me.
Monica: Well, maybe she thought that
with all of your history it could be, you know, implicit.
Ross: Well, it needs to be plicit.
Joey: All right, let's think about
this. I mean, there's got to be an explanation. Uh...
did you do anything to make her mad?
Ross: No, I don't think so.
Phoebe: You know, maybe she was just
really spent from our talk. It was pretty intense.
Monica: Yeah. Mine too.
Chandler: Mine was a humdinger
Ross: (annoyed) O-kay... I mean, don't
I deserve anything? I mean, a few tears, a
cursory hug? (Joey gives Ross a hug) NOT FROM YOU! (Joey
Phoebe: Ross, if you're this upset,
you should go and talk to her.
Monica: And say what? "You owe
me a goodbye", I mean, he's got more pride than
Ross: THE HELL I DO!
(Ross takes big steps leaving for Joey and Rachel's
apartment, where Rachel is going through her papers.)
Ross: I don't get a goodbye?
Ross: (talking agitated and angry)
Everyone gets a goodbye but me? What have I got to do
to get a goodbye, huh? Be best friends with you? Uh,
go out with you? Have a baby with you? Oh wait a minute,
wait a minute, I did all those things.
Ross: Oh no, maybe it's me,
I'm just not giving you enough credit. Uh,
I mean it is difficult to say goodbye to five
people. Uh, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, good...
(makes choking noises) IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. You
know what? After all we've been through, I can't believe
this is how you want to leave things between
us. Have a, have a good time in Paris. (He leaves the
apartment. Rachel looks kind of desperate.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.
The others are still there.]
Monica: I hope Ross isn't too upset.
Joey: I'm sure he's not more bummed
out than I am.
Phoebe: Tell me about it.
Chandler: Well, you can't say we don't
know how to throw a party.
Phoebe: All right, I think I'm gonna
Monica: Uh, where do you think you're
Phoebe: I thought I was going home
to go to bed, but I'm sensing there's something less
fun for me to do here.
Monica: We're moving in a couple of
days and we've got a lot of packing to do. It would
be great if you guys could pitch in.
Chandler: Joey and I can finish up
in the guest room.
Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, good idea. (he
mimes hitting his head with his fist)
Monica: Oh no! You and Phoebe are
gonna help me in here.
Chandler: (to Joey) You couldn't be
cool. (he goes to the guest bedroom)
Monica: Okay, we're gonna start in
the kitchen. Plates get put into plate protectors and
stacked ten to a box. The silverware gets bundled in
rubber bands and then bubble wrapped. Got it?
Phoebe and Joey: Yeah.
Monica: Good! Now I need you to be
careful and efficient. And remember, if I am harsh with
you, it is only because you are doing it wrong.
Chandler: Hey Mon, I think I figured
out whose handcuffs they are.
Monica: You did? How?
Chandler: Well, I was cleaning out
the closet and I found some pictures of them... being
Monica: Oh my God! Let me see. (they
all look at the pictures)
Joey: Who's that dirty old lady?
Chandler: Monica's grandmother.
Monica: Nana liked it rough!
(Erica, the pregnant girl, enters)
Joey: Come on here, have a seat.
Phoebe: How was your night?
Erica: Oh, it was okay. I went to
a movie with my cousin and then out for dinner. We went
to this place that had... Ooh... (she looks likes she
is in pain, holding her belly) Hoo... ooh... Anyway,
they had these really amazing cheeseburgers.
Monica: Erica, are you okay?
Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate
too much. I keep getting these stomach aches. They come
and go like every few minutes.
Monica: Oh my God!
Chandler: Relax! We just get her some
Monica: She doesn't have a stomach
ache, she's in labor.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Yeah, you got to get to the
Monica: All right, Chandler get the
coats. Erica let's go. Phoebe and Joey, keep packing!
Oh my God we're gonna have a baby. All right. We're
gonna have a baby! OH MY GOD, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!
Oh God, oh God, I got to sit down, I got to sit down.
Ooh! (she's hyperventilating)
Chandler: Honey, it's gonna be okay.
Erica: You can do this. Just breathe.
Monica: Okay, okay... Okay, I feel
a little better.
Erica: (in pain) Ooh! Are you sure?
Monica: Oh... Yes, I'm sure. Oh honey,
let's go. Okay bye everyone.
(there's a lot of supportive cheers from all. Erica,
Monica and Chandler leave.)
Joey: Chandler, wait, wait, wait...
Joey: If you get a second, find out
where she got that cheeseburger.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel bursts
Rachel: You really think I didn't
say goodbye to you because I don't care?
Ross: That's what it seemed like.
Rachel: I cannot believe that after
ten years, you do not know ONE thing about me.
Ross: Fine, then why didn't you say
Rachel: Because it is too damn hard
Ross. I can't even begin to explain to you
how much I'm gonna miss you. When I think about not
seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go...
Okay, so if you think that I didn't say goodbye to you
because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else,
you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there,
all right, there's your goodbye... Oh!
Ross: You keep, you keep... You can't...
(Ross walks over to her and starts to kiss her passionately.
After a while Rachel backs out. She thinks a while and
starts kissing him back.)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment.]
Joey: A little more.
Phoebe: Okay. (she starts to stuff
styrofoam peanuts down the front of Joey's pants.)
Joey: A little more, a little more.
(she stuffs some more down his pants and Joey's assesses
the how many there already are in there.) A little more...
All right. Okay, all right, let's do this.
Phoebe: All right, ready?
Joey: Yeah. All right, now give me
your best shot.
Phoebe: All right, here it goes...
(she knees him in the crotch. He jumps up a bit)
Joey: (in pain) Doesn't work... (he
falls down on on his knees with his head on the floor)
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