1010 - The One Where Chandler Gets
Written by: Doty Abrams
Produced by: Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano &
Flashback clips transcribed by: Guineapig, Dan Silverstein,
Ruth Curran, Eric Aasen and Mindy Mattingly Phillips,
and compiled by Eleonora.
Final check by Kim
[Scene: Central Perk. Everybody's sitting on the couch
and Monica is eating a chunk of cake.]
Monica: (really excited) Mmh... this cake is amazing!
Rachel: My God, get a room!
Monica: I would get a room with this cake. I think
I could show this cake a good time!
Phoebe: If you had to, what would you give up, food
Monica: (with no hesitation) Sex!
Chandler: (looking at her) Seriously, answer faster!
Monica: Oh, I'm sorry honey, you know, but when she
said "sex" I wasn't thinking about "sex
Chandler: (to Phoebe) It's like a giant hug.
Phoebe: Ross, how about you. What would you give up,
sex or food?
Phoebe: Ok, how about... uhm... sex or dinosaurs?
Ross: Oh my God. It's like Sophie's Choice.
Rachel: Oh God. What about you, Joe? What would you
give up, sex or food?
Joey: Uhm... oh... I don't know, it's too hard.
Rachel: No, you gotta pick one!
Joey: Oh... food. No, sex. Food! Sex! Food! Se-I don't
know! Good God, I don't know, I want girls on bread!
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are looking
at some photos and they're sitting next to the window.]
Rachel: You gotta see these latest pictures of Emma.
Phoebe: Oh, how cute!
Phoebe: Oh, she looks just like a little doll!
Rachel: Oh, no, no. That is a doll.
Phoebe: Oh, thank God, 'cause that thing's really creepy!
(looking outside the window) Look, there's Chandler.
(he's on the street, talking to a woman)
Rachel: Oh. Who is the blonde, she's pretty.
Phoebe: OH! He's having an affair.
Rachel: He's not having an affair!
Phoebe: You know, I'm always right about these things.
Rachel: No, you're not! Last week you thought Ross
was trying to kill you!
Phoebe: Well, I'm sorry but it's hard to believe that
anyone would tell a story that dull just to tell it!
(looking outside) See, there's something going on with
them. Look, he's getting into the car with her!
Rachel: Oh, that doesn't mean anything.
Phoebe: Oh yeah? Well, let's see. (she takes her mobile
phone) Ok, duck down. (they both get down to hide themselves.
Phoebe calls Chandler)
Chandler: (picking up the phone) Hello.
Phoebe: Oh, hi Chandler. It's Phoebe. Uhm... I know
that Monica is working today so...(back to Central Perk)
...I was wondering if you want to come to the movies
with me and Rachel.
Chandler: Oh, uhm... I have to work too. Yeah, I'm
stuck at the office all day.
Phoebe: (shocked) Oh, well, it's a shame that you-that
you miss the movie 'cause we were gonna see, you know,
either "Liar, Liar" or "Betrayal",
or... "An Affair To Remember".
Chandler: Those are all really old!
Phoebe: Ok, then maybe it'll be, uhm...
Rachel: (whispering) "Dude, Where's My Car?"
Phoebe: (glancing at her) What?
Rachel: They're in a caaar...
Phoebe: (to Chandler at the phone) Okay, we-we'll talk
to you later. Okay, bye.
Phoebe: Ok. Quick. We gotta find a cab and follow them.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, ok. Let me just grab my night vision
goggles and my stun gun.
Phoebe: (patting her bag) I got them!
[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Chandler enters the
Monica: Hey! You smell like perfume and cigarettes.
Chandler: I was in the car with Nancy all day.
Monica: Nancy doesn’t smoke!
Chandler: Well, at least the perfume is not mine, be
thankful for that!
Monica: So? What do you think of the house?
Chandler: It’s perfect. It’s everything
we’ve been looking for.
Monica: Isn’t it? Then what about the amazing
wainscotting and the crown molding and the dormer windows
in the attic?
Chandler: And the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps?
(pause) What were the things you said?
Monica: Don’t you love the huge yard?
Chandler: And the fireplace in the bedroom.
Monica: And Nancy said that it's really under price,
because the guy lost his job and has to move in with
Chandler: This is bringing out a lovely color in you!
Monica: So? Do you think we should get it?
Chandler: I don’t know. What do you think?
Monica: I think we should.
Chandler: I do too.
Monica: This is huge!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: How bad you wanna smoke, right now.
Chandler: I don’t know what you mean, giant talking
cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was
getting into Nancy’s car, so if she asks you,
I was at work all day.
Monica: Gotcha. When do we tell them about this?
Chandler: We don’t. Not until it's a hundred
percent. I mean, why upset everybody over nothing.
Monica: Okay. Right. Oh my God that is gonna be so
Chandler: I know. Gooooood luck with it.
[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Everybody except Monica
and Chandler is there.]
Ross: I just can’t see Chandler cheating!
Rachel: I’m telling you guys, we followed them
out to a house in Westchester, the went in for like
forty-five minutes and then they came out looking pretty
Joey: Chandler? Forty-five minutes? Well, something
is not right. I just can’t believe he would do
this to Monica!
Ross: I know, and with the baby coming?
Phoebe: So, should we tell her?
Ross: I don’t know. Phoebe, if one of us saw
Mike with another woman would you want us to tell you?
Phoebe: Why? Who’d you seen him with?
Ross: No one, I’m just saying if... (Phoebe starts
pinching him in his neck)
Phoebe: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!
Ross: (yelling in pain) I know nothing! Mike’s
a great guy, it was hypothetical!
Phoebe: All right. (she releases him). He is a good
guy. You’re right, he wouldn’t cheat.
Ross: Believe me, if I did see with someone, there’s
no way I... (Phoebe starts pinching him again)
Phoebe : WHO DID YOU SEE HIM WITH?
[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Monica is cleaning
with a vacuum and then she cleans it with a dust buster.
The guys enter the room.]
Rachel: Oh, look at her, so happy!
Monica: If only there were a smaller one to clean this
Joey: Hey, is uhm... is Chandler here?
Monica: No, he’s picking up dinner, why, what’s
Phoebe: Well, look, whatever happens, we’re here
for you and we love you.
Monica (puzzled): All right...
Ross: We think Chandler might be having an affair.
Rachel: Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman
today outside on the street and then we followed them
to a house in Westchester.
Phoebe: They went in together. So sorry.
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God that’s awful! What
did you think of the house?
(they all look confused and sorry for her)
Joey: (walking towards her to hold her and support
her) Monica, you understand what we are saying, right?
Monica: Yeah, sure... uhm, I'm devastated, obviously...
(to the rest) Did you think the neighborhood was homey?
Joey: (to Chandler) You son of a bitch!
Chandler: Is it me, or have the greetings gone downhill
Monica: (goes to Chandler) Phoebe and Rachel saw you
with Nancy today and... em... they think you're having
Rachel: Who's Nancy?
Ross: What's going on?
Monica: (turns to them) Ok, alright, you guys, you'd
better sit down, this is pretty big.
Chandler: Yeah (motions them to sit and they do) I'm
not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor.
Joey: I knew he couldn't be with a woman for 45 minutes!!
Phoebe: Why do you have a realtor?
Monica: Uhm, she has been showing us houses outside
of the city.
Joey: (clearly shocked) What?
Rachel: Are you serious?
Monica: When we found out that we're gonna get this
baby, Chandler and I started talking and we decided
that we didn't want to raise a kid in the city.
Phoebe: So you're gonna move?
Ross: Oh my God.
Joey: Shouldn't we all vote on stuff like this?!
Rachel: What is wrong with raising a kid in the city?
I'm doing it, Ross is doing it, Sarah Jessica Parker
is doing it!
Monica: And that's great for you guys, but we want
a lawn and a swingset...
Chandler: ...and a street where our kids can ride their
bikes and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by.
Ross: (sarcastic) So you wanna buy a house in the 50's?
Phoebe: Have you thought about what you would be giving
up? You can't move out of the city, what if you want
Chinese food at 5am? Or a fake Rolex that breaks as
soon as it rains or an Asian hooker sent right to your
Ross: You know what, if you wanna look for a house,
Joey: No, no, it's not, don't listen to him! (to Ross)
I'm gonna thump you! (points his fist at him)
Ross: (to Joey) It's ok, because they have to get it
out of their system, okay (back to Mon and Chan), but
you're going to realize, this is the only place, you
(pause before Monica and Chandler speak, they look
like they are looking for the right words)
Chandler: Actually, we already found a house we love.
Monica: And about an hour ago, we made an offer.
(All the friends looked shocked and confused. There
is a long silence.)
Chandler: Bet you wish I was having an affair now,
Ross: You put an offer on a house?
Monica: (smiling) It's so sweet. It really is. It has
this big yard that leads down to this stream and then
there's these old maple trees... (gets cut off)
Phoebe: Wha..? Again with the nature, what are you?
Chandler: I know this is really hard and we're really
Joey: Is this because I come over here without knocking
and eat your food? (Walks towards the fridge) Because
I can stop doing that, (looks at the fridge) I really,
really think I can!
Chandler: (goes towards Joey) You know that's not the
reason Joe. (Joey hugs him and after, he takes something
from the fridge and puts it in his mouth. He goes back
to where he was standing before)
Monica: We think if you saw it, you'd understand. I
mean you guys were there. (Points to Rachel and Phoebe)
It is beautiful, isn't it?
Rachel: Yeah it is.
Joey: What the hell are you doin'?
Rachel: Well, it is, all right? When we were out there
today, all I kept thinking was: I can't believe Chandler
is screwing this woman, but MAN this would be a nice
place to live!
Phoebe: Yeah, but so is this.
Ross: Yeah, I mean, if you moved there, you have to
leave here. I mean, how can you leave this place?
[We fade to some flashback scenes.]
(from 1.01 - "The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate
- The Pilot")
Rachel: (talking on the phone) C'mon Daddy, listen
to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me,
'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're
a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What
if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a
purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I don't want you
to buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a ha- It's a metaphor,
Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.
Rachel: Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying
here with Monica...
(from 1.18 - "The One With All the Poker")
Ross: That money is mine, Green!
Rachel: You're fly is open, Geller!
Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker'
is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
Chandler: Hey, that's...'joincidence' with a 'C'!
(from 1.07 - "The One With The Blackout")
Phoebe: [looking outside the window] Eww, look. Ugly
Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
[They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch
Rachel: Ow, that had to hurt!
(from 3.09 - "The One With All the Football")
Phoebe: Hey, it’s your Thanksgiving too, y'know,
instead of watching football, you could help.
The Guys: We will. (they don’t move)
Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows
in concentric circles.
Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric
circles. I want to do this.
(Rachel sticks a marshmallow into Monica’s nose.
Monica takes it out of her nose by closing one nostril,
Monica: Every year.
(from 5.08 - "The One With the Thanksgiving Flashbacks")
Joey: (he has a turkey on his head) It's stuck!!!
Phoebe: (walks him to the kitchen) Easy. Step. How
did it get on?
Joey: I put it on to scare Chandler!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out!
Joey: It smells really bad in here.
Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have
your head inside a turkey's ass!
(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe
quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make
it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter
and not stuck on Joey's head.)
Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey bast-Oh my God!
Oh my God! (She sees someone is stuck in the turkey.)
Who is that?
Joey: It's Joey.
(from 4.12 - "The one With the Embryos")
Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to
get rid of the rooster?
Rachel: Oooohh that’s interesting.
Chandler: If you win, we give up the birds.
Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to
Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment.
Ross: What was Monica’s nickname when she was
a field hockey goalie?
Joey: Big fat goalie.
Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie...
Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.
Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...
Joey: Weekend at Bernie’s.
Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories
(They both confer)
Joey: Everyday use.
Chandler: Fancy guest.
Ross: Two seconds...
Joey: Uhh, 11!
Ross: 11, unbelievable, 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.)
Ross: (to the girls) Chandler was how old when he first
touched a girl’s breast?
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks man.
Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name
Ross: Correct, his profession was?
Rachel: Space cowboy!
Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job?
(The girls are stumped)
Rachel: Ow...Oh Gosh!
Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce...transpondster!
Monica: That’s not even a word!
(Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning
(The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the
big, fake dog in triumph)
Rachel: Y’know what, you are mean boys, who are
just being mean!
Joey: Hey, don’t get mad at us! No one forced
you to raise the stakes!
Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me!
Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn’t
gotten the question wrong!
Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question!
Ross: Don’t blame the questions!
Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment!
You are ruining moving day for us!
(from 5.15 - "The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey")
Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to
the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler
and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.)
Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window!
Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now
get out here!
Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run.
You know, what was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's
more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye,
take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to
climb out the balcony window)
Monica: (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro?
(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around
the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.)
Ross: What the hell are doing?!!
Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey
in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?!
Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me
Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there!
Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend,
this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I
cannot believe this!
Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love
her. Okay, I'm in love with her.
Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this
way. I'm sorry, but iit-t's true, I love him too.
(There's a brief pause.)
Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot
believe this. (He hugs them both.)
(from 6.06 - "The One On The Last Night")
Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes.
I’m just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?"
Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the
hall and write that on Chandler.
Phoebe: Ok, you guys, I don’t mean to make things
worse, but umm, I don’t want to live with Rachel
Monica and Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: You’re just so mean to each other! And
I don’t want to end up like that with Rachel.
I still like you!
Rachel: Well, Phoebe that’s fine because I’m
Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her!
Y’know, I-I-I said some really bad stuff about
her, but y’know Rachel has some good qualities
that make her a good roommate. She gets tons of catalogs
and umm, she’ll fold down the pages of the things
she thinks that I’d like.
Phoebe: What else?
Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me little
notes on the mirror.
Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that.
Phoebe: That’s nice. I like having things to
read in the bathroom.
Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading,
she covers me over with a blanket.
Rachel: Well y’know, I don’t want you to
Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving
in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel)
(Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy.
And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a
boy!! (They both break down in tears.)
(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachel’s
old and now empty room.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey.
Monica: She really left.
Chandler: I know. (He kisses her.)
Monica: Thank you.
Chandler: No problem roomie. (She turns around and
Monica: Can I ask you a question?
Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?! (She
notices the dog sitting in the living room.)
(from 1.09 - "The One Where Underdog Gets Away")
Chandler: Little toast here. I know this isn't exactly
the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned,
but for me, this has been really great, you know, I
think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile
vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd
gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family,
if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be
all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to
say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings
All: That's so sweet.
Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Rachel: And a crappy New Year.
Chandler: Here, here!
[Scene: We're back to the present. Chandler and Monica's.
They're all still at the kitchen table.]
Rachel: You can't move. You just... you just can't.
Joey: Rachel's right. This is where you guys belong.
Phoebe: Yeah, you don't wanna live in Westchester.
That's like the worst of the Chesters.
Ross: You know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment,
I look over here and you guys... are just having dinner
or... watching TV or something, but... it makes me feel
better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see?
The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so
good. (Joey pats Ross on his back)
Rachel: Yeah. So don't move, okay? Just stay here and...
(nods towards Ross) maybe close your blinds at night.
(The phone rings and Chandler goes to get it)
Chandler: Hello? It's Nancy, they responded to our
(Chandler listens to what Nancy says)
Chandler: (to Nancy) Okay, thanks... (to Monica) They
passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the
Monica: We can't afford that.
Chandler: I know.
Monica: Well, there you go.
(Chandler and Monica hug)
Joey: I'm really sorry you guys.
Ross: Yeah. I'm sorry too. I'm even more sorry that
that phone call didn't come before I told you about
looking through the window.
Rachel: Yeah, we're gonna let you be alone.
Phoebe: (to Monica) You're gonna be okay?
Monica: Yeah, we'll be okay.
Ross: Love you guys. (he kisses Monica, he, Rachel
and Phoebe leave.)
Joey: You know, I'm really sorry I wasn't more supportive
Chandler: That's okay, we understand.
Joey: And about this Nancy thing... If you're not sleeping
with her, should I?
(Chandler gives Joey her business card, which he eagerly
grabs and he leaves.)
Monica: I know there'll be other houses, but it's just
so... I love that one so much.
Chandler: Yeah... Well, it's a good thing we got it
Chandler: We got the house.
Monica: Oh my God!
Chandler: I just didn't want to tell you in front of
Monica: Oh my God! My God! We've got the house!?
Chandler: We're getting the house. (they hug) We're
getting the house.
Monica: And a baby...
Chandler: We're growing up.
Monica: We sure are.
Chandler: So who's gonna tell them?
Monica: (quickly) Not it!
Chandler: Not it! Damn it!
[Scene: Central Perk. The entire gang is there, and
Chandler and Monica are handing out presents.]
Monica: Rachel, this is yours.
Rachel: Aah! Why? What are these for?
Chandler: You'll see.
Monica: All right, everybody open them!
(they all tear off the wrapping paper)
Rachel: Ooh! Oh wow this is so beautiful. (she got
Phoebe: Oh! These are the ones I was looking at in
the store. (she got earrings)
Monica: I know.
Ross: I love this. (he got a sweater)
Joey: A meatball Sub? Thanks! (he got a meatball sandwich)
Ross: Seriously you guys, what's going on? What are
Chandler: Well, I didn't know how to tell you before,
but... We got the house.
(they both run off, leaving Ross, Phoebe and Rachel
Joey: (speaking with his mouth full, enjoying his sandwich)
What did they say?
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