1008 - The One With The Late Thanksgiving
Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano &
Final check by Kim
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter, the
others are sitting on the couch.]
Monica: Hey guys!
Monica: We need to talk to you about something.
Chandler: Yeah. We don't feel like we can host Thanksgiving
Ross: Are you kidding?
Chandler: Well, it's just with uhm, work and the stress
of adoption, we just don't feel like we have the energy.
Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden
falls on us.
Ross: (skeptical) That doesn't sound like you... That's
Chandler: No, no! We made this decision together.
Ross: She's putting words in your mouth!
Joey: Don't you put words in people's mouths, you put
turkey in people's mouths!
Rachel: I can't believe this! This is Emma's first
Monica: No, it's not!
Rachel: It's not? (whispering to Ross) When was she
Phoebe: Well, personally I think it's great you're
giving yourself a break.
Monica: Thank you, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Sure. It's just as well... I mean, last year
wasn't very good. I think she's losing her touch.
Monica: What? You are way off, lady!
Phoebe: Am I? Really? Am I? Well, why don't you cook
Thanksgiving dinner and prove me wrong! Well, think
about it, think about it, you'll be trying to top than
you did last year. You'd be in competition... with yourself.
Monica: That's my favourite kind! Okay, we are doing
Chandler: Don't let yourself get manipulated this way!
Monica: Hey, stay out of this, Chandler! This is between
me... and ME!
Chandler: We are supposed to make these decisions together!
Did you not watch the Doctor Phil I taped for you?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Monica
are in there, and Phoebe enters]
Rachel: Hi! Happy Thanksgiving!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, happy needless-turkey-murder day.
Monica: You guys, I ordered some chocolate pies from
that bakery on Bleecker. Could you pick them up for
Phoebe: You're not making the pies yourself?
Monica: No, no, no, I don't make chocolate pies. When
I was younger I-I enter in this pie-eating contest.
I ate so many that just the thought of them made me
Rachel: Did you at least win the contest?
Monica: 2 minutes, 12 pies and a part of one tin! Okay,
I see you guys at 4.
Rachel: Can't wait!
Monica: This dinner is gonna be so great! In your face,
last year "me"!
Phoebe: Hey Rach.
Phoebe: What's Emma doing today?
Rachel: Well, let's see... uh... I know that she has
a meeting with her lawyer and then she has to make a
very big poop. Why?
Phoebe: Well, I wanna enter her in a baby beauty pageant.
Rachel: Oh my God! That's the creepiest thing I've
Phoebe: Okay, but, well, before you say no, my friend
Susanne is entering her kid and compared to Emma she's
a real dog!
Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, all babies are beautiful!
Phoebe: (sarcastic) Oh... okay.
Rachel: Phoebe, just the idea of pitting one baby against
another, I mean, you know, and judging who's cuter just
for a trophy...
Rachel: And a thousand dollars.
Rachel: ...is something I'm very interested in! Oh
please, do not tell Ross. He still believes that (in
a deep voice, mocking Ross) what's in the inside is
Phoebe: Okay, oh, and Emma needs a cowgirl outfit for
Rachel: Where am I gonna get a cowgirl outfit on Thanksgiving?
Phoebe: Well, I was thinking...
Rachel: Oh, take the clothes of Joey's Cabbage Patch
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler is
watching TV and Monica is cooking]
Monica: (Chandler's laughing) Did someone drop the
Chandler: Why come all the way from Kansas to do that?
Monica: (she tastes what she has cooked) I don't get
older. I just get better!
Chandler: You know what just occurred to me? This could
be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I mean,
we could be getting a baby soon!
Monica: You don't know that.
Chandler: Somebody is gonna pick us.
Monica: Yeah, but we haven't heard a thing from the
adoption agency and it has been weeks!
Chandler: I'm telling ya! It's gonna happen. Next year
it's gonna be you, me and the little Hemingway Bing.
(pause) What, he's my favourite author!
Monica: Name one of his books.
Chandler: (after a long pause) "The Firm"?
Monica: Ok, let's see... uhm, okay, the turkey is in
the oven, the stuffing is ready...
Chandler: You know, you always cook this meal all by
yourself. Let me help this year.
Monica: Oh, Chandler, that's sweet. But you don't have
to do everything Doctor Phil tells you to do.
Chandler: I'm serious, let me do something, just not
the turkey or the stuffing, nothing "high profile".
Monica: Ok, let's see... Oh, the cranberry sauce, it
is easy to make and no-one really cares about it.
Chandler: Tell me more.
Monica: Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across
the hall. You start by washing these (she gives Chandler
a bowl with cranberries. Then, while she's going outside,
she sees him with a bottle of soap in his hands) Not
with soap!! (she leaves)
Chandler: You obviously haven't tasted my Palmolive
(Ross and Joey enter)
Ross: Hey! Hey, guess what Joey has!
Joey: Three tickets to today's Rangers game!!
Ross: Dude, I wanted him to guess.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: Yeah, they're great seats too!
Ross: Guess where they are?
Joey: Center ice.
Ross: Did I do something to you?
Chandler: Hmm, the game's at one.
Chandler: Dinner is at four, we'll never gonna make
Joey: So we'll leave before it's over, we'll be back
Chandler: You say that now, but it could take us a
long time to get back home. Plus Joey could get lost
and and they could have to page us to go pick him up.
Joey: Dude, two times that happened!
Chandler: Look, Monica has been working hard all day,
she didn't wanna host this thing in the first place,
we shouldn't go!
Ross: He's right, man.
Joey: Right, I guess. Alright, so see you at four.
Chandler: Okay. (pause) And get ready to taste my very
special cranberries. Or should I say... chanberries!
Joey: That's some gentle comedy, dude. (he and Ross
Ross: We're still going at the game, right?
[Scene: Baby beauty contest]
Host: This is contestant number sixteen, Rebecca...
Rachel: Oh Phoebe, listen. Well, I think we gotta go.
This place is really freaking me out. I've been watching
this guy over there, I don't think he came with a kid!
Phoebe: We can't leave now! There was this one baby,
Haley, who was favourite to win and she got croup, so
she had to stay home! This competition just blew wide
Rachel: Phoebe, I think... It's just too weird, I just
saw a one year old running around with pantyhose on!
Phoebe: Oh, I know, we should have been more prepared.
(she looks around) It's okay. Now, the way I see it,
our real competition now is Cameron. Oh my God, they
just took her sweater off. Look at those arms! Hello
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe! Come on! You know what, it's already
three o'clock and they haven't even gotten to Emma's
group yet. We gotta go, we got dinner!
Phoebe: (panicking) But Emma's got what it takes, she
could go all the way!
Rachel: Phoebe, you have to calm down.
Phoebe: Okay. Rachel, the hottest babies in the Tri-State
Area are in this room right now! I overheard one of
the judges say that not one of them holds a candle to
Rachel: You heard them say that?
Rachel: All right, okay. Alright, let's give to these
babies something to cry about!
Phoebe: Good! Oh yay! Let's get down to business! Emma
needs some makeup!
Rachel: No, what?
Phoebe: Well, she's gonna look all washed out next
to the other contestants!
Rachel: No Phoebe, I am not letting you put makeup
on my baby!
Phoebe: Why not!
Rachel: Because I already did!
[Scene: Madison Square Garden]
(there's a lot of shouting and yelling)
Joey: Oh, Bob, get off the guy!
Ross: Oh! What a game, huh?
Joey: I know, yeah.
Ross: I can't believe Chandler is missing this!
Joey: Yeah. I am sorry he's not here too, but I got
to say, (takes some nachos from a plate on the seat
where Chandler should have been) I am really enjoying
Ross: Yeah, I'd probably enjoy it more if you didn't
keep batting my hand away.
Joey: Ohhhh! These seats are great!
Ross: I know, I know! When I was here for Holidays
on Ice (Joey looks around worried hoping no one heard
that) I was sitting so far away Michelle Kwan couldn't
read my banner!
Joey: (looks at the time) Wow, hey, we'd better get
going. If we don't leave right now, we'll be late for
Ross: Oh, but it's a kind game! So we're a little late,
you know, the girls will be there, let's stay just for
one more goal.
Joey: I don't know...
Ross: One more fight!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment.]
Monica: Where is everybody? They're forty-five minutes
Chandler: I can't believe they are not here! I slave
and I slave for what? They've ruined cranberry day!
[Scene: The corridor. Ross and Joey have just arrived.]
Joey: How late are we?
Ross: Forty-five minutes.
Joey: Wow (He opens his apartment door and throws their
Ross: (handing him his coat) Here!
Joey: Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there, okay?
So they probably started without us. We could just slip
in and no-one needs to know where we were! (he raises
his hands and on his right one there's a Rangers foam
Ross: You may want to lose the foam finger!
Joey: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You just want to put
it on your hand!
(Rachel, Phoebe and Emma arrive)
Joey: You are not at Thanksgiving?
Phoebe: No, we're late!
Rachel: What are you doing here!
Ross: We're late too! (Rachel screams)
Joey: We figured we could be late because you guys
were gonna be on time (he points the foam finger at
Phoebe: Don't point that thing at me, Tribbiani!
Ross: So, nobody's here? Monica's gonna kill us!
Joey: Yeah, where were you!
Ross: Yeah, yeah, what's with the trophy!
Phoebe: Uh, we were at the Spelling Bee!
Rachel: And I won!
Ross: You won an adult Thanksgiving day spelling bee.
Rachel: Yes! (spells it) Y-E-S. Yes!
Ross: Let me see this... (he takes the trophy from
Rachel's hands) Grand Supreme Little Darling, New York
Rachel: Yeah. That's me!
Ross: You entered Emma into a Beauty Pageant?
Phoebe: And it looks like she put makeup on her!
Joey: Wait a second, wait a second, where have I seen
that cowgirl outfit before...
Ross: I can't believe this, she's our daughter! That
you would treat her like some kind of showdog is inexcusable!
Rachel: She won a thousand dollars!
Ross: So this is an annual thing?
Joey: (realizing) Oh! That's Alicia Mae Emory's outfit!
Phoebe: You guys, there are people in there who are
not getting any happier!
Ross: Yeah. What are we gonna do?
Rachel: Well, I don't know, you guys figure it out,
I got to put Emma down for a nap.
Joey: All right. Hey Rach, while you're in there, throw
something on Alicia Mae.
Phoebe: Alright, what are we gonna say?
Ross: Ooh, we'll say that we were mugged! You can't
get mad at someone who's been mugged!
Phoebe: Oh, good, that's good, but you don't look like
you were mugged!
Joey: No. Here (he tears off the pocket from Ross'
shirt, and tears off everything below that as well.)
Ross: (to Joey) HEY!
[Scene: Monica's apartment.]
Monica: Do you hear something? (Chandlers stands up
and goes to the door to look out from the peephole)
Chandler: (peeping) They're out there!
Monica: Ohhh! Let me see! Oh God, I can't believe this!
They're an hour late and they're just staying out there,
Chandler: (peeping) Everything is so distorted! Looks
like Joey has a giant hand! Which says "Rangers"
on it. They went to the game!
Monica: (gasps) Oooh! They are in for a world of pain!
Chandler: (looking through the peephole again) Ross'
shirt is torn.
Monica: Oh! They're late and they're sloppy!
[Cut to the hall]
(Rachel comes out of her apartment}
Rachel: Alright, Emma is napping... (then to Ross)
what happened to your shirt?
Ross: I got mugged. And they stole my pocket.
Phoebe: We're just... we're trying to figure out an
excuse. Hey! Ooh! How about this: We can say that Monica
told us 5 o'clock, not 4 o'clock. That way we're right
on time! (Others start to agree but she continues) OR...
or, we can plant PCP in the apartment and call the cops
Ross: (sarcastic) That would be a good way to get rid
of all the PCP we have lying around.
Rachel: You know what, we just say that she said it
was 5 o'clock. We'll just act casual. We're not late,
we're right on time. (When she finishes talking, a note
is pushed from under Monica's and Chandler's door, into
the hall. Ross picks it up and reads it out loud)
Ross: (Reading the note) We know you're out there.
Joey: (whispering) Who do you think its from?
[time lapse – they are still in the hall]
Rachel: Oh, God. This is bad. This is so bad.
Ross: Well, let's just go in there and face them.
Phoebe: Well, I'm not going in first. I bet that vein
on Monica's forehead is popping like crazy.
Joey: I hate that thing, it's like a... bolt of lightning.
Rachel: Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we play
rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first.
(they all agree) Ready? (they do the rock-paper-scissor
thing with they hands and Rachel has paper, Phoebe and
Ross both have rock, while Joey is doing a strange upward
wiggling with his fingers. They all look a him confused).
Joey: (smiling from ear to ear) Ah-haah! I win!!
Ross: What is that?
Joey: That's fire. Beats everything.
Phoebe: Oh, really? Does it beat water balloon? (She
places her hand over his "fire" and mimics
a bursting water balloon, thus putting the fire out).
Joey: Ooh! Well played, Phoebe Buffay, well played.
Rachel: Alright, enough, enough, come on. Let's just
all go in at the same time.
All: Alright, okay. (Phoebe reaches for the door, and
tries to open it but it's locked)
Phoebe: It's locked.
Ross: Wha...? Oh sure, now they lock it, but when they're
having sex on the couch, its like: "Come on in,
my butt is surprisingly hairy".
Rachel: Alright, come on... (starts to knock on the
door) Alright, you guys. We're so sorry we're late.
Please let us in, so we can have dinner together.
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
Monica: No! Everything's cold. The turkey's dried out
and the... the stuffing is all soggy.
Chandler: Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce
that... (speaking lower to Monica) what happens to cranberry
Monica: (Rolling her eyes) Nothing. It's fine.
Chandler: (relieved) Oh thank God!
[cut to the hall]
Ross: Come on you guys, we're sorry, alri...? Our subway
Chandler: (looking through the peephole) That's a lie,
you went to the game, I can see Joey's hand.
Ross: (to Joey, who is wearing a blue, 3 foot hand)
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE IT OFF!! (takes it off his
hand and throws it on the floor)
Rachel: You guys, come on, it doesn't matter why we're
late. We're all here now, please let us in so we can
have some of your delicious turkey. (A slice of turkey
on a piece of aluminum foil is slid under door)
Joey: I had a dream once about a fax machine that did
that. (Ross picks it up)
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
Monica: That's all the turkey you're gonna get.
[cut to the hall]
Ross: How are we gonna decide who gets this?
Joey: (holds his fist up) WATER BALLOON! (he stuffs
the slice in is mouth and gives the foil back to Ross)
Phoebe: What are we gonna do? I'm starving.
Rachel: (gasps) Oh, I just remembered. We do have something
to eat. Monica put something in our oven this morning.
Phoebe: Oh yeah!
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
Monica: Hey, you touch that and you will be sorry.
Chandler: Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is bigger
than I've ever seen it. (Monica looks at Chandler)
[cut to the hall]
(Rachel comes out of the apartment holding a pot. Joey
holds in anticipation and Rachel opens it)
Rachel: Huh... OH MY GOD IT'S BRUSSELS SPROUTS. (they
all look appalled)
Ross: That's worse than no food.
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
(Monica looks insulted)
Chandler: HA-HA! All you got was Monica's stinky Brussels
Chandler: Please let me stay on this side of the door.
[cut to hall]
Rachel: Oh, I know... I still have my old key! (She
goes in to get it and comes back with her keys) We can
just unlock the door.
Phoebe: Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea.
They clearly don't want to be with us.
Rachel: You know what? I don't want to be with them
either, but it's Thanksgiving and we should not want
to be together, together. (Goes to unlock the door)
Joey: (to Ross) Just get in there and make a face to
face apology, you know? Look them in the eye. I know
I can get them to forgive us.
Ross: I don't know...
Joey: I'm telling ya... (his eyes open wide and he
looks like his eyes are about to pop out. He stares
at Ross like this without blinking) I can do it.
Ross: (Staring back, and then breaks off) (To Phoebe
and Rachel) Yeah, he can do it!
(Rachel finally manages to open the door, but the door
chain is on.)
(Joey sticks his head through the gap. Monica and Chandler
are now sitting at the dinner table. There is another
smaller table full of food standing in front of the
(Monica and Chandler do not look amused by Joeys head
in the door)
Joey: Oh! It all looks so beautiful: the turkey, the
(Monica is now smiling)
Chandler: The cranberries...?
Monica: Oh! Enough! A monkey could have made 'em!
Joey: (still with his door wedged in the door gap,
now opens his eyes wide and stares at Monica and Chandler
as he did with Ross earlier in the hall) Hey listen
guys, we feel really terrible.
Chandler: He's doing that weird eye contact thing.
Don't look at him, don't look at him! (They both look
Joey: Come on you guys, we want you to know we're (His
eye widen even more) very very sorry. (Monica and Chandler
are now covering their eyes with their hands) (then
to the others in the hall) Right guys?
(Ross head appears above Joey's, Rachel's below Joey's
and Phoebe's at the bottom)
Ross: I feel terrible.
Phoebe and Rachel: So, so sorry.
Joey: (smiling) Now let's not ruin this day. You worked
so hard. Let's move past this and try to have a nice
meal all together, huh?
Chandler: The floating heads do make a good point.
Monica: Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad.
Rachel: So bad.
Ross : So bad.
Phoebe: So bad.
Monica: (Gets up) Okay, okay. You two (to Phoebe and
Rachel) go get the dessert. And I'll let you in.
Monica: Yeah, I asked you and Phoebe to pick up the
pies. You did remember, right?
Phoebe: Pies, oh, we thought you said priiiize (goes
to the hall and comes back with Emma's trophy in her
hand). Here! (gives it to Monica).
(Monica takes it and reads the label)
Monica: Grand Supreme Little Darling?
Monica: Oh my God! YOU FORGOT THE PIES? Well, I cannot
believe this. You force me to make dinner, then you're
an hour late and you forget the one little thing that
I asked you to do.
Ross: Really girls, not cool.
Chandler: Well, you manheads aren't any better. You
lied about going to the game. You knew it would make
you late, and you still went anyway.
Joey: Hey! I'm getting a little tired of this okay?
We said we're sorry. It's Thanksgiving for Pete's sakes!
A day of forgiveness!
Ross: It's a day to be thankful.
Joey: (to Ross, mouthing) Don't make me come up there!
Monica: It's too late for apologies.
Joey: Fine! Let's just go. I don't need your stupid
Chandler: That would be a lot more convincing if you
Rachel: Ewww, is that what that is?
Phoebe: Come on you guys, let's just do our own Thanksgiving.
Rachel: Yeah! I'll cook!
Ross: Yeah! Let's go out.
Joey: Yeah! You three have a nice Thanksgiving.
Monica: The three of us?
Joey: Yeah! You, Chan, and the vein!
(Monica gasps and holds her forehead. Phoebe, Rachel
and Ross pull back their heads)
(When Joey tries to pull back his head, he notices
he is stuck)
Joey: Oh-oh! I'm stuck!
Monica: Joey, that is not gonna work.
Joey: No seriously... I'm really wedged in here.
Phoebe: I'll pull you through.
Joey: (in agony) aaw-ahhh-aaahhh STOP! STOP! I'm worried
about damaging my head.
Chandler: A little late for that.
Joey: Alright, hurry up, you gotta do something.
Monica: Alright, well, this does not change anything.
(to Chandler) Okay, we need to get something to grease
the sides of his face.
Chandler: Uhm, we've got turkey grease.
Monica: Bring it.
Joey: I just wanna say that I'm sorry I referred to
the vein as a seperate person...
(Chandler gives Monica a footlong "eye dropper"
with the turkey grease in it)
Monica: Here you go!
(She squirts some of the grease along Joey's face.)
Joey: Oh, that smells good!
(And he starts licking the grease which trickles down
his face. Monica also squirts some on the other side
of his face, and his tongue follows her movements.)
Monica: Okay, try it.
(Joey tries to pull back at all his might.)
Joey: It isn't working.
Monica: Alright, we're gonna have to unscrew the chain.
Joey: Well hurry, I can't feel my ears!
Chandler: Can you ever feel your ears?
Monica: Chandler, where are your tools?
Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, I left them on my bulldozer...
I don't have tools!
Monica: I do, but Rachel borrowed them.
Rachel: I lent them to Ross.
Ross: I gave them to Joey.
Joey: I left them at the park.
Ross: (looking at Joey's butt) I'm finding it really
hard not to mess with him.
Phoebe: I've already stuffed a bunch of Brussel sprouts
down his pants.
(The phone rings in Chandler and Monica's apartment)
Monica: Okay, I have to get that. Now when I get back,
I want you and your friends to be gone. Thanksgiving
is over. The Vein has spoken.
Joey: It's really starting to hurt.
Chandler: Okay, look, I'm gonna pull on the door and
you guys push as hard as you can. Maybe we can get enough
room to wiggle him out, okay? Okay, so PUSH!
Phoebe: Just a sec., we're kind in the middle of something
(Rachel, Ross and Phoebe have their hands full and
are stuffing all kinds of things down Joeys pants.)
Joey: Ooh! Stop putting things down my pants!
Chandler: Come on guys, PUSH!
Joey: Yeah! Come on!
Joey and Chandler: PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!
(The chain breaks loose from the wall, and because
Joey was pushing with all his might, he propells into
the kitchen, towards the table with all the food. This
table has wheels underneath it, and when Joey falls
on this table, he rides into the living room, with all
the food falling off, until finally Joey also falls
off... Joey gets up quickly, a bit agitated, and acting
as nothing happened. He is covered in food stains.)
Chandler: My cranberries!
Joey: (looking at himself) Man, I've got food all over
(He licks his fingers, liking it. He offers Chandler
Chandler: Argh! I can't believe what you did. Monica's
gonna kill you!
(Monica enters from the spare bedroom.)
Chandler: (to Monica) Look! Look! Look what the...
Look what... Look what the floating heads did!
Monica: (very emotional) I don't care.
(Chandler can't believe what he's hearing. He looks
at Monica, then at the others, then back at Monica.)
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: That was the adoption agency...
Monica: WE'RE GETTING A BABY!
Chandler: Are you serious? (they hug)
Monica: There's a pregnant woman in Ohio, and she picked
(They all cheer and Rachel, Ross and Phoebe join in
for a group hug. Joey also joins, but he stands back
a bit, because he is all sticky of the food on him)
Rachel: I'm so happy for you!
Monica: This Thanksgiving kicks last Thanksgiving's
(They all cheer and hug again, but Joey's eating the
food off his shirt)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. The table
is set, and there's food on the tables again. They're
all there, toasting.]
Rachel: To Monica and Chandler... and that knocked
up girl in Ohio.
Ross: I'm just so happy you guys are finally getting
Phoebe: I know. Have you considered pageanting?
Monica: I can't believe they called, and we're actually
getting a baby. (she kisses Chandler)
Joey: Oh, I know how you feel...
(Monica and Chandler are looking curiously at Joey.)
Joey: Sure. I went through the exact same thing with
Alicia Mae Emory... The waiting, the wandering... Then
one day... I get that call from Toys "R" Us...
She was in stock!
Chandler: That is the exact same thing.
Crazy For Friends is best viewed at
800x600 with Internet Explorer 6.0. Contact Nikki here.
© 2004 http://www.livesinabox.com
is in no way associated with Friends, Warner Bros, NBC
or Bright/Kauffman/Crane Productions.
Crazy for Friends is an American web site. All times, dates, and schedules are
in Eastern Standard Time.