1002 - The One Where Ross Is Fine
Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham &
Directed by: Ben Weiss
Transcribed by: Kreidy
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.
The scene starts where we took off in the last episode
with Ross seeing Joey and Rachel kissing. Rosss tares
Joey: Okay, Ross, I realise that you
didn't expect to walk in and see that, but.. Let me
Rachel: We weren't doing anything!
Joey: Rach, he just saw us.
Joey: But what you saw, that is the
extent of it, okay? One kiss.
Rachel: No, come on, that is a lie.
We also kissed in Barbados.
Joey (to Rachel): Dude, chill! (to Ross)
Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan
it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was
because I saw you kissing Charlie.
Rachel: Yeah, you started it! I've got
Joey: Look, we probably should have
talked to you about this before it ever happened, but..
Rachel: We feel so terrible about this,
Joey: Yeah, but it did happen, so...
(Ross looks shocked and says nothing.)
Rachel: Ross? (to Joey) Can we just
close the door?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.
Continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Ross, say something. Anything.
Ross: So you two are..?
Joey and Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: And have you .. ed?
Joey: No, no, no!
Rachel: No, no, no!
Ross: But if I hadn't walked in here,
(Rachel looks at him.)
Joey: No, no!
Rachel: Ross, this is not how we wanted
you to find out about this. You have every right to
Ross: I'm not going nuts. Do you see
me go nuts?
Rachel: No, but you know what I mean.
Ross: Hey, hey, hey... If you two are
happy, then I'm happy for you. (Squeaky.) I'm fine!
Ross: Absolutely. (Very Squeaky.) I'm
fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out
all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, (deep voice) I'm
fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to
see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like..
(Screams.) But now that I've had time to absorb it;
Ross: It's all working out! Me &
Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do?
Rachel: Calm ourselves?
Ross: No. We should all have dinner.
Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!!
Joey: Look, don't you think that will
be a little weird?
Ross: Weird? What? What's weird? The
only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican
food, because I'm making fajitas!! (Storms off.)
Joey: I do like fajitas.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler
are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption
in front of them.]
Monica: God, this adoption stuff is
so overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption, dependency
adoption.. There are so many ways to go, and this is
like the biggest decision of our lives.
Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee.
Phoebe: Hey guys!
Phoebe: Hey, have you seen Frank Jr.,
'cause he's meeting me here with the triplets.
Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every
time you say "triplets," I immediately think
of three hot blonde 19-year olds.
(Monica glares at him.)
Monica: That's sweet. Drink your hair.
Phoebe: Hey, what's all this stuff?
Monica: Oh, they're brochures from different
Phoebe: Ooh, babies! Oh, this one is
so cute, get this one!
Monica: That's not really how it works.
Phoebe: Oh, how does it work?
Monica: I don't know!
Phoebe: Well, if you're having a hard
time, you should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen.
They adopted a kid. I'm sure they'd help you.
Monica: Thanks, that would be great.
Hey, honey, wouldn't that be great?
(Chandler looks like he did the time
he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's
the hair in his coffee.)
(Frank Jr. and the triplets enter.)
Frank Jr.: Alright, alright, alright.
Remember what we talked about. When we're in a public
place, there are certain rules.
(The triplets scream and run amok in
Frank Jr.: That's not what we talked
Frank Jr.: Hey.
Phoebe: Good to see you.
Frank Jr.: Good to see you, too.
Monica: Hi Frank.
Frank Jr.: Hi, how you doin'?
Monica: Oh, my goodness, they've all
gotten so big!
(Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's
sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)
Monica: Which one is which again?
Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr.
pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's
Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing
bagels at him.
Monica (reads a form in her lap): "Willing
to adopt triplets?" No!
[Scene: The hallway in Ross's building.
Joey and Rachel are on their way to Ross's dinner.]
Joey: Ah, can I just say I know we're
doing this for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was
up to me, this is not what we'd be doing on our first
Rachel: Well, what would we be doing?
Joey: I'd take you out for a romantic
night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on
the carriage ride home...
Rachel: Feel me up?
Joey: In a carriage!
(Charlie walks up to them.)
Joey: Hey, Charlie!
Charlie: Hi, hi. So.. Dreading this?
Rachel: Oh, you bet.
(Joey sees that she's carrying a small
Joey: So, did you bring a little something
Charlie: Actually.. It's stuff you left
at my apartment.
Joey: Oh. Oh, thanks.
Charlie: And you know, you can just
give me my stuff whenever you want.
Joey: Yeah, I didn't throw any of that
(They enter Ross's apartment. Ross is
already quite hyper.)
Ross: I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie!
(Kisses her.) Hi Joey. (Hugs him.) And.. Oh! You're
gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. (Laughs.)
I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. (He squeezes
her hand.) Come, please come in. Come in.
Rachel: Okay, well, we brought you some
Ross: Oh! That is so thoughtful. (To
Joey.) She's a keeper. And what did you bring me? (Grabs
the bag that Charlie brought for Joey.)
Joey: Uh, actually, that's..
Ross: Underwear, a toothbrush, and Van
Halen CD. I can use all these things!!
Charlie: Gosh, Ross, you know, you seem
Ross: What? Fine? Because I am! Aren't
you? Aren't you? Aren't you? You see? Who else is fine?
Joey: Okay, listen, hey, Ross. Why don't
you try to relax, okay? Maybe have a drink.
Ross: You know what? That is a very
good idea. I'm gonna go make a pitcher of Margaritas.
(Does a Mexican dancing-thing before
going to the kitchen.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe
and the triplets are there. The triplets are now sleeping
on top of each other on the couch.]
Phoebe: Oh, god. So adorable. Look at
them sleeping there like angels.
Frank Jr.: Yeah, I really cherish these
moments, 'cause before you know it, they're gonna be
Phoebe: Well, they may be a handful,
but they're so cute.
Frank Jr.: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh, god, the last time I babysat
them, they did the funniest thing..
Frank Jr.: I haven't slept in four years!
Phoebe: That's a, that's a long time.
Frank Jr.: You just don't know how hard
it is, Phoebe. There's just so many of them. You know,
two I can handle. Two's great. You just hold one in
each hand, but what do I do when the third one runs
at me with his bike helmet on. I've got no more hands
to protect my area! There's three of them, Phoebe, three!
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, Frank. I counted
them when they were coming out of my area.
Frank Jr.: Sometimes I think that..
Oh, no, no, no, I can't say it, it's too horrible. No.
Frank Jr.: No, I can't.
Phoebe: Oh my god, Frank, are you thinking
of leaving? Because I didn't have those triplets so
you could just run out on them!
Frank Jr.: Oh, no! I would never do
that. No. I just was thinking that, you know, maybe
you could take one.
Phoebe: What?! You can't separate them!
That's terrible. Which one?
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment.
Chandler and Monica enter.]
Monica: Thank you so much for seeing
us. Phoebe has told us such great things about you guys.
Colleen: Oh, please, we're happy to
Bill: We went through the same thing
when we were adopting.
Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning
wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?
(Bill and Colleen look shocked.)
Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely
Monica: Well, we appreciate anything
you can tell us.
Colleen: Well, actually, I think this
(She gives Monica a big binder that's
perfectly in order.)
Colleen: It's pretty much all the information
Monica: Oh my god!
Colleen: Everything is broken down into
categories, and then cross-referenced, and then colour-coded
to correspond with the forms in the back.
Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I
think I just had a tiny orgasm.
Bill: I know the process is frustrating,
but it's so worth it. Adopting Owen was the best thing
that ever happened to us.
Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.)
Can I see the book?
(Monica looks at him.)
Chandler: You want me to wash my hands
first, don't you?
Monica: It's.. It's just so pretty and
Colleen: The bathroom is down the hall,
to your left.
Colleen: I would have told him to do
Monica: Can I adopt you?
(Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his
scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler
walks up to him.)
Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen.
Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in
the scouts too.
Owen: You were?
Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was
Chandler: You know how to use a compass?
Owen: I have a badge in it.
Chandler: You do? That's fantastic!
Owen: You wanna see it?
Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get
back to talking to your parents. They're telling us
all about how they adopted you.
Owen: I'm adopted?
(Chandler tries to come up with a good
Chandler: I got nothing.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is totally
wasted, but he's still drinking all the margaritas.]
Ross: The first batch of margaritas
was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood.
Rachel: Well, maybe the next batch,
we could all get some.
Ross: Oh, guys, this is fun, isn't it?
You know? Just the four of us. Just hangin'.
Joey: Dude, are you okay? And when are
the fajitas gonna be ready?
Ross: I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm
just.. I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no
Rachel: No awareness.
Ross: We make a great foursome. We should
do more stuff together. Ooh! Let's take a trip. Okay,
where do you think we - we can go?
(The oven timer pings in the kitchen.)
Ross: My fajitas!!
(He runs off to the kitchen.)
Rachel: Look, Charlie, I just want you
to know. Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting
to the thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally
doesn't drink like this.
Charlie: Oh, you know what? This is
nothing. My father is a raging alcoholic.
(Joey and Rachel don't know how to respond
Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry, have I made
this evening uncomfortable?
(Ross enters carrying a frying pan with
fajitas - without any oven mitts.)
Ross: Fajitas! Be careful, very hot
plate, very hot plate!!
Rachel: Ross, you don't even have oven
Ross: That is gonna hurt tomorrow!
[Scene: Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe
and the triplets are there. Continued from earlier.]
Phoebe: Okay, well, this is crazy. Can't
seriously be talking about me taking one of your kids,
Frank Jr.: No, of course we're not.
Frank Jr.: I know.
Phoebe: Alice would never go for it,
Frank Jr.: Oh, I don't know, she's pretty
tired, too, I think we've got her onboard.
Phoebe: Well, just you know, for argument's
sake, you know, hypothetically. Which one would you
be willing to give up?
Frank Jr.: Huh.
Phoebe: Frank Jr.Jr.?
Frank Jr.: Oh, you'd be getting a really
good one. I mean, you know, he's really funny. Like,
the other day he made up this joke.
Frank Jr.: What's green and says "hey,
I'm a frog"? A talking frog! (Laughs.) Oh, no,
you can't have him, he's too funny.
Phoebe: Well, alright, that's fine.
What about Leslie?
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no. Not Leslie. No,
she's, she's the only one that knows how to burp the
Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler.
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have
Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got
big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..
Phoebe: Wow, Frank. I think we just
ran out of kids.
Frank Jr.: Oh, I think you're right.
Oh, wow. Phoebe, I don't think I can give one of them
up. I mean, you know, they drive me crazy, but they're
Phoebe: I'm sorry, Frank. I didn't realise
things were so bad. You know, I'll help out more. I
can - I can babysit any time you want. You name the
day, and I'll be there.
Frank Jr.: How about tomorrow?
Phoebe: Well, that's not good. But you
know, I can move some stuff around, and I'll be there.
You and Alice just take the whole day together.
Frank Jr.: You'd do that for us?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? That's what
sisters are for.
Frank Jr. (looks at the triplets): Look
at them! Aw. I love you so much. (Strokes Leslie's hair,
and she moves a little.) Oh crap, don't wake up, don't
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment.
Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica
is the only one there.]
Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen?
Monica: They're in the kitchen getting
something to eat. Can you believe how nice they are?
Chandler: We have to leave!!
Monica: Why? What did you do in the
Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom.
I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he
was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have
Monica: Oh my god, where's my purse?
No, you know what? I can replace everything in there.
Get that binder, and let's go!
(Bill and Colleen enter.)
Bill: Some little snacks for everybody.
Oh, you don't have to eat the sour worms. Those are
Colleen: I'll go get him in a second.
By the way, you should know we haven't told him he's
Chandler: But kids are so intuitive.
Don't you think on some level he already knows?
(Owen comes running in.)
Owen: I'm adopted?!
Chandler: See? Intuitive!
Bill: What? Where did you hear that?
Owen: He told me! And he paid me 50
dollars not to tell.
Chandler: Which technically now you
should give back!
Colleen: You told him he's adopted?
Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should
have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper
it to people when they come in the door. "Owen
doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa
Owen: He isn't?!
Chandler (to Monica): We have to get
out of here, baby!
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel, Joey
and Charlie are eating fajitas when Ross enters from
Ross: Everyone? I would like to make
a toast to Rachel and Joey.
Ross: And to love. Ah, love. L-O-V-E,
love. L is for life. And what is life without love?
Rachel: Oh my god, are we supposed to
Ross: O is for "oh, wow!"
The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which
I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely
normal I find it. That you two are together. And now
one day you might get married and have children of your
(Ross chokes up and pauses. Rachel and
Joey look at him.)
Joey: Dude, are you okay?
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem okay.
Ross (on the verge of tears): I'm sorry,
it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone
would feel better if we had some flan.
Charlie: Wait, Ross. Ross. I - I have
to take off.
Charlie: I'm sorry, I have a really
early class in the morning, but this has been lovely.
Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it
would be awkward with Joey and that you never really
Charlie: You're on fire! I'll call you
in the morning, okay?
(Ross goes to the kitchen.)
Charlie: God, Rachel, what Ross just
said that is just so..
Rachel: Oh, that's okay, girls tend
not to like me.
(Ross enters from the kitchen with three
plates with flan.)
Ross: Okay, I guess it's just flan for
three! Hey, hey, that rhymed!
Rachel: You know what, Ross? I think
we're gonna take off too.
Ross: Oh, oh. Of course. God, I'm so
stupid. You guys are a couple now. I mean, you probably
just want to be alone.
Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's
Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine. It's totally
fine. We've got plenty of margaritas. It's all good.
(The oven timer pings again.)
Ross: I don't even know what that's
(He goes back to the kitchen.)
Joey: You know what? I think I'm gonna
stay here and make sure he's okay.
Rachel: Yeah, that's probably a good
Joey: Yeah. I'll see you in the morning.
Rachel: Uh-huh. Okay. You know what,
Joey, I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this.
Joey: It doesn't look good, does it?
(They kiss each other on the cheek,
and Rachel leaves.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment the next morning.
Ross is very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters with
a cup of coffee for him.]
Joey: Morning. Here you go.
Ross: Thanks. Did you stay here all
Ross: So you took off my pants and shoes?
Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that
when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look,
Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have
to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna
Ross: What do you mean?
Joey: Well, she and I said from the
beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you
were okay with it. And clearly..
Ross: Hey, what are you talking about?
Joey: It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally
understand. Of course you're not fine. You're.. You're
Ross and Rachel.
Ross: Except we're not. I mean, we haven't
been a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that
right? Has it been that long?
Joey: That's what I hear, yeah.
Ross: This is crazy. I mean, six years?
And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together?
Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing
with you and Rachel?
Joey: Come on, I mean, you know me,
Joey: I'm crazy about her.
Ross: And she feels the same way?
Joey: I think so.
Ross: Well, then, maybe it's time we
all moved on.
Joey: Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're
not okay with it.
Ross: No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will
be. Besides, I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm
still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see
the dance, did she?
Joey: No, no, no, no, that was - that
was just for me. Are you sure about this?
Ross: Yeah, I'm sure.
Joey: And we're okay?
(Ross smiles and holds up his hand for
a high-five, but he has forgotten about his burnt hands.
He gasps in pain as Joey grabs his hand.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler
enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.]
Monica: Hey, Phoebs
Monica: Uhm, we just wanna give you
a heads-up. Bill and Colleen hate us.
Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted,
and Monica told him.
Phoebe: Still, he had to find out sometime.
Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like
it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth
(The triplets stare at him.)
Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she
was an accident. (Runs off.)
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