1003 - The One With Ross' Tan
Written by: Brian Buckner
Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano &
Vanessa
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]
Chandler: So, you and
Rachel tonight, uh?
Joey: Yeah. It's actually
our first official date
Chandler: Wow! So tonight
may be the night! You're nervous?
Joey: Naa, no. This is
the part I'm actually good at.
Chandler: What must it
be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing.
Joey: (pause) It's OK!
Chandler: How can you
be so confident?
Joey: Well, I... I know
exactly what I'm gonna do!
Chandler: Really? Like
you have a routine?
Joey: No, no no no no.
See. Each woman is different.You have to appreciate
their uniqueness.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: No, I do six things!
First, I look deep in her eyes. Then, I kiss her.
Next I take my hand and I softly graze her thigh.
Chandler: You mean like
this? (he starts touching his thigh in a funny and
awkard way)
Joey: NO! Not like that,
no no. No, like this. (He starts lightly grazing Chandler's
thigh)
Chandler: Oh, I see what
you mean, that's quite nice. (They look at each other,
both embarassed)
Joey: More foosball?
Chandler: ...and beer!!
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene:Central Perk. Ross and Chandler are on the
couch]
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Monica: (to Chandler)
Hey sweetie! (they kiss)
Ross: (looking at Monica's
legs) WOW!
Chandler: Hey! Stop staring
at my wife's legs! No no! Stop staring at your sister's
legs!
Ross: I'm sorry, it's
just... how did you get so tan?
Chandler: She went on
one of those spray-on tan places.
Ross: Eh, you got a spray-on
tan?
Monica: Chandler gets
pedicures!
Ross: (laughing) Why,
why you do, like with the-the toe separators?
Chandler: (To Monica)
Why...why?
Ross: Still, I can't
believe that's sprayed on... I mean, it looks really
good. I wonder if I should get one!
Chandler: Sure, then
you should get a mini skirt so you can really show
it off.
Ross: So, do you get
colours or just French tips?
Monica: There. Here's
their card.
Ross: Thanks. (he takes
the card) Hey, I know where this place is! It used
to be an X-rated video... (pauses when he realizes
what he is saying) florist. (he goes away)
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Hey Pheebs!
Monica: Hey Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, you won't
believe who moved back to town.
Monica: I know, Amanda!
Ah! She called me too! She's the worst!
Chandler: Who's Amanda?
Monica: She's this girl
who used to live in the building before you did. Then
she moved to England and she picked up this fake British
accent. On the machine this is her message. (she apes
Amanda using an awful British accent) "Monica,
darling! It's Amanda calling!"
Chandler: Are you trying
to do a British accent?
Monica: (pause) (to Phoebe)
Chandler gets pedicures!
Chandler: Just so I know,
how many more of those can I expect?
Phoebe: You know what
Amanda said to me when she got me on the phone? (apes
Amanda in a british accent) "Oh, so sorry to
catch you on your Mo-Bile!" If-if you don't wanna
get me on my mo-Bile, don't call me on my mo-Bile!"
Monica: I know, and she's
always bragging about all the famous people she's
met.
Phoebe: Oh, I know! "Oh...I
slept with Billy Joel". All right, who hasn't?
Monica: Oh, what are
we gonna do! I don't wanna see her!!
Phoebe: Ugh, Let's just
cut her out!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Cut her out of
our lives! Just ignore her calls and dodge her 'till
she gets the point!
Monica: Oh, I guess we
could try that, but... it seems so harsh! (to Chandler)
Have you ever done that?
Chandler: No, had it
done to me though. Feels good !
[Scene: At the tanning salon. Ross and a male assistant
are walking through a hall]
Assistant: Alright Mr. Geller! Right this way! So,
how dark do you wanna be? We have one, two or three.
Ross: Well... I like
how you look, what are you?
Assistant: Puerto Rican.
Ross: Two, I think a
two.
Assistant: You've got
to face the red light. When the red light goes on
the spraying is about to start so close your eyes.
When the spraying stops, count to five. Pat yourself
down to avoid drip marks then turn around so we can
get your back. Got it?
Ross: Spray, count, pat,
then turn, spray, count and pat.
Assistant: Wow, you catch
on quick.
Ross: Well, I have a
PhD, so... (assistant walk out, not impressed by this
statement)
(Ross takes his bathrobe off and he enters the tanning
booth. He stands up in front of the red light and
the sprayer starts and sprays his face and torso)
Ross: One Mississipi,
two Mississipi, Three Mis...(the sprayer starts again,
spraying him in the face and torso again) WAIT! WAIT!
I'm not-I've not finished counting!! (he leaves the
booth) (the assistant enters the room)
Ross: You sprayed my
front twice!
Assistant: You've never
turned?
Ross: No, I barely even got to three Mississippi.
Assistant: Mississippi?
I said count to five'!
Ross: Mississippilesly?
(pause) Well, how bad is it?
Assistant: Ain't that
bad yet, but it keeps getting darker for the next
four hours.
Ross: So, how dark is
it gonna get?
Assistant: You got sprayed
with two two' s and...
Ross: I'm a four?
Assistant: Yeah, but
you're back's a zero. You're gonna wanna even that
out.
Ross: (sarcastically)
Really!
Assistant: You might
wanna get back in there.
Ross: (annoyed) Ok!
(The assistant leaves
and Ross goes back in the spray-on tan booth and turns
his back to the spray nozzles, facing the back wall)
Ross: Wait, wait a minute,
there's no light on the back wall! How do I know when
it's gonna start? Hello? (he slowly turns and the
spraying begins, on his face) Ah, oh, ah! (he turns,
but then he turns again and is sprayed in the front
again) Ah! (he spits and angrily goes out of the spray-on
tan booth and the assistant enters the room) The same
thing happened again!
Assistant: You got two
more twos?
Ross: (hysterically)
I'm an eight!
[Scene: Joey’s apartment.
Joey and Rachel enter the room]
Rachel: Thanks for dinner.
Joey: I thought you paid.
(Rachel does not answer and seems puzzled) Ha, guess
we won’t be going back there!
Rachel: So.
Joey: Yeah.
(Joey and Rachel start
kissing)
Joey: Hey what do you
say, we move this onto the likes of the couch?
Rachel: I say ‘cheesy
line’, but ok.
(They move on the couch
and start kissing again. Joey does his grazing on
Rachel’s thigh and she slaps his hand)
Joey: What’s the
matter?
Rachel: I am sorry, I
don’t know, I am sorry, I don’t know why
I did that!
Joey and Rachel: Okay
Rachel: Ok, so sorry.
(They start kissing again
and, when Joey grazes her thigh, she slaps him on
his hand again)
Rachel: I am sorry! Again...
I don't know, I don’t know what happened, I must
be nervous!
Joey: I don’t get
it, Chandler loved it!
Rachel: Ok, ok, ok. I
promise, I promise, I promise, I won’t do it
again. I really do. I promise. This is gonna be great.
Joey: Ok.
(They start kissing again
and when Joey grazes, she slaps him three times, on
the hand, and on both cheeks)
Joey: (a little giddy)
Uh, was that good for you?
[Scene: Monica’s apartment. Monica and Phoebe
are reading magazines when the phone rings and Phoebe
reaches to pick it up]
Monica: (to Phoebe) No, no, don’t get it. Let
the machine pick up.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Could
be Rachel asking if someone could baby-sit again.
Monica: It could be Amanda!
Phoebe: Oh, you’re
right! I was just kidding about Rachel. Babysitting
is a gas!
(The machine picks up
the phone)
Amanda: Hello Monica.
It’s Amanda calling again. I am in the neighborhood
hoping I can pop by your flat!
Monica: You're from Yonkers!
Your last name is Buffo-Martisis!
Amanda: Let’s see..
to assure you get this directly, ring me back on my
mobile.
Phoebe: Ok, don’t
hold thy breath!
(Sound of dialing numbers
is heard from the speaker of the machine)
Chandler: Hello? Is someone
on the line?
Amanda: Yes, I was looking
for Monica.
Chandler: Hang on, she’s
right here. (he enters the living room and hands the
phone to Monica) Someone's on the phone, for ya.
Monica: We weren’t
picking up, it’s Amanda!
Chandler: (to Amanda)
I get pedicures!
Monica: Hi Amanda! Actually
now... it’s... is not a good time. Dinner tomorrow
night? (Phoebe mouths 'no') Ok, Phoebe and I will
see you then!
Phoebe: Why, why, why
didn’t you just say no!
Monica: Well, I said
'no' to her coming over now! I couldn’t say 'no'
twice! I get this uncontrollable need to please people!
Phoebe: (leaving) Fine,
fine! You would not hold up well under torture!
Monica: And you would?
Phoebe: I did!
[scene: Joey’s apartment. Joey and Rachel are
sitting on the couch]
Joey: Rach, you sure you wanna do this?
Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely.
I d... it’s just a little weird, it’s you,
and it’s me, it's just gonna take some getting
used to.
Joey: Ok. Well, how,
how can we make it easier?
Rachel: Ok, let’s
work from the top down! (Joey nods, but then puzzled
because he does not get it) Just work the bra, Joe!
Joey: Ok, yeah, got it.
Rachel and Joey: Okay.
(They start kissing and
Joey starts to undo her bra, but fails completely)
Joey: This thing welded
shut?!
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: All right, turn
around, I got to get a look at this thing.
Rachel: Oh!
(Joey starts trying to
undo her bra, but it won’t go.The elastic band
snaps back, hurting Rachel.)
Rachel: Ow!
Joey: Sorry!
Rachel: Well this is
romantic!
Joey: I'm sorry! (He
stands up) This never happened to me before! I'm an
expert at taking off bras! I can do it with one hand!
I can do it with my eyes closed! One time I just looked
at one, and it popped open! I blame your bra!
Rachel: It’s a standard
issue bra clasp!
Joey: Then I blame you!
Yeah! That's right! You threw me off with all your
slapping!
Rachel: Ok well, well
I'm really, I'm sorry about that Joey, but do you
think that maybe on some level, you don't want to
take off my bra?
Joey: (contemplates for
a few moments what Rachel just said) NAH! I don't
have another level!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
(Chandler is at the table reading; Monica puts some
food for him on the table. Ross walks in looking very
tanned. Chandler and Monica look up at him smiling.)
Chandler: Hold on! There is something different.
Ross: I went to that
tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place...
The Sun?
Ross: Oh! And it gets
worse! (Turns his side to Chandler and Monica and
pulls up his shirt. There's a distinct line across
his body, where his belly is very tanned and his back
is very pale.)
Chandler: Oh My God!
You can do a duet of Ebony and Ivory all by yourself!
Monica: How could you
mess this up? It's so easy? You go into the booth,
you count to five and you turn around!!
Ross: (looks at her suspiciously)
How do you count to five?
Monica: One Two Three...
Ross: (Yells) Damnit!
(Goes to the door to leave. Rachel just enters, sees
him and starts laughing)
Rachel: (laughing) oooh!
Oh oh!
Ross: (Still yelling)
I Know!
Rachel: oh oh! What is
up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?
Chandler: How was your
date with Joey?
Rachel: Well, it was
good.. until we got back to our apartment, and then
we were fooling around and he started to put his hand
up my leg and I kept slapping it away!
Chandler: You didn't
like that?
Rachel: Well, it wasn't
just me, alright? He freaked out too! He couldn't
even undo my bra!
Monica: Wow, really?
One time he just looked at my bra and it popped open.
(Chandler starts looking
at her bra)
Rachel: I do not know
what's wrong with us, I mean, we have kissed before
and that's been great! But this time it was leading
somewhere and I was very aware of the fact that it
was Joey touching me.
Monica: Well, you guys
have been friends forever. Remember the first time
that you kissed Ross? How weird that was? You couldn't
stop laughing? You got through that.
Rachel: (looking thoughtful)
Ok, that's true. That's true, we can do this. You're
right, you're right, we can do this. We're just gonna
power through!
(Joey walks in)
Joey: Hey Chandler can
I talk to you for a second (points to the hall).
Rachel: (To Joey) No
need!! Problem solved, we are powering through (At
which point she grabs his hand and pulls him back
to their apartment).
(Chandler resumes staring
at Monica's bra)
Monica: (sees what he
is doing) Chandler, stop! It is not going to pop open!
Chandler: (without taking
his eyes off the bra) You don't know! (Monica just
smiles)
[Scene: Central Perk.]
(Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Monica walks in.)
Monica: Hey Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Is Amanda here
yet?
Phoebe: No.
Monica: (sits down) Oh
good. Good, look I'm so sorry, for screwing up that
cutting-her-out plan. But I have a new plan. Chandler
agreed to call here in a few minutes with an emergency.
Phoebe: Oh! Well, what
kind of emergency that gets us both out of here?
Monica: Well, what do
you think of Mike and Chandler being in a car accident?
Phoebe: (makes a face)
Are you kidding, I love it!
(A blonde woman walks
in. Supposedly Amanda)
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: Hi!
Amanda: Hi! (Phoebe and
Amanda hug)
Amanda: (To Monica) Hello!
(Monica holds her hands
out for a hug, but instead of hugging her, Amanda
hangs her purse on one of Monica's extended arms.)
Amanda: (In a fake British
accent) It's so nice to see you! Both of you! Look
at me. Look how young I look! (gives her coat to Monica
as well) Oh gosh! We have so much to catch up on!
But first things first: touch my abs (at which point
she grabs both Phoebe and Monica's hands and places
them both on her stomach) I don't exercise at all!
(she pulls them down to sit.) Oh gosh, so Monica,
you're married!
Monica: (beaming) Yeah!
Yeah! His name is Chandler and...
Amanda: (To Phoebe) Smell
my neck! (Phoebe does so) It's not perfume! It's me!
It's my natural scent!
(Monica looks shocked)
Phoebe: Musty!
Amanda: Oh! Gosh! This
is brilliant. Gosh, it's just like old times. I'm
so happy you two are friends again!
Monica: When were we
not friends?
Amanda: Well, it was
1992, and I remember because that was the year I had
sex with Evil Knievel (She starts laughing very proudly).
Monica: Ehm, we were
friends in 1992.
Amanda: (to Phoebe) No
I distinctly remember you were dodging her (points
at Monica) calls and trying to avoid seeing her.
Monica: (To Phoebe) You
were going to cut me out?
Phoebe: Well...kinda.
Monica: Oh My God!
Amanda: Oh! Bugger. Should
I not have said that? I feel like a perfect arse!
Phoebe: Yeah well, in
America you're just an "ass".
(Monica's mobile starts
ringing. She picks it up.)
Monica: (Into the phone)
Hello? Chandler, what's wrong? (She listens) Oh my
God, are you alright? (listens some more) Yeah, I'll
be right there. (She hangs up and speaks to Amanda)
I'm so sorry, but Chandler was in a car accident.
(She gets up)
Phoebe: (Also gets up
and starts taking her purse) Oh my God. Was Mike with
him?
Monica: Nope! (She turns
and leaves)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.]
(Joey comes running in.)
Joey: (To Rachel) Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Got champagne?
Joey: Yes ma'am, ready
to Power through!
Rachel: Excellent! Stick
it in the ice bucket, the phone is off the hook, and
in the interest of powering through (Starts to remove
her bra from under her clothes)...
Joey: Uh! (When she's
done she throws her bra at him)
Rachel: Ok (starts to
light some candles) Sexy, sexy, very sexy, sexy. (Claps
her hands and jumps at Joey, clearly very excited)
Alright! Lets do it!
Joey: Ok, you're scaring
me a little bit.
Rachel: Oh! Get over
it soldier, we've gotta do this! (She pulls him towards
her and throws him onto the barcalounger) Ok. Aha!
You like that huh?
Joey: Oh! yeah!
Rachel: You like that?
(She climbs on the barcalounger seductively, putting
her knees next to Joey's hips.) Let's take this into
high gear (She pulls the barcalounger lever and seat
reclines. She puts one of her knees between his legs
and begins to kiss his neck.)
Joey: uh uh!
Rachel: Yeah baby, I'll
show you how we do it!
Joey: No, no, no! You
kneed me in my misters!
Rachel: What? Oh my God!
I'm so sorry. Joey? Are you ok?
Joey: (He just sits there,
legs very close together with a painful look on his
face) Soldier down!
[Monica and Chandlers apartment.]
(Chandler is sitting on the couch reading. Monica
walks in.)
Monica: We are not friends
with Phoebe anymore.
Chandler: If she asks,
I protested a little, but ok!
(Phoebe and Amanda walk
in)
Phoebe: Oh Chandler!
Thank God you're alive. Monica, can I talk to you
outside for a minute?
Monica: I have nothing
to say to you.
Amanda: (announces more
to herself than anyone else) Wow, my flat is twice
this size!
Phoebe: Please, Monica?
In the hall?
(They both walk to the
door and enter the hallway.)
Amanda: Ooh, that accident
must have been terrible. You look positively ghastly.
Chandler: Well, aren't
you a treat.
[Scene: The hallway]
Monica: I can't believe
you tried to cut me out. Why Phoebe, why?
Phoebe: It was right
after we were living together and you were driving
me crazy, okay? You were really controlling and compulsive
and shrill.
Monica: I'm still all
those things!
Phoebe: You're also so
generous and kind and scrappy!
Monica: (starts smiling)
I am scrappy.
Phoebe: Exactly! Look,
no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't keep you
out of my life. Of all the people I have cut out,
you were the only one who ever clawed her way back
in.
Monica: It's because
I'm scrappy.
Phoebe: Yeah, you are.
And I'm so glad that you fought your way back in,
because I don't know what I would do without you.
Monica: I won't know
what I would do without you.
(They hug)
Monica: Well, I guess
we should go back in. When you gave me another chance,
I guess we should do the same for Amanda.
Phoebe: Yeah, I guess
you're right.
(They both enter the
apartment again, where Amanda is "dancing"
for Chandler, but she's really terrible at it)
Amanda: Can you believe
it. I've never had any professional dance training.
(Monica and Phoebe look
at each other and leave the apartment again)
[Scene: A different spray-on tan center]
(Glenda, who works here, and Ross are walking to the
room with the spray-on tan booth.)
Glenda: Now, let me explain
how this works. You go into the booth, and...
Ross: I'm gonna stop
you right there, Glenda. Okay? Does it look like this
is my first time, huh? Now I want 4 two's... and I
want them all on my back.
Glenda: (quietly) Okay...
(Ross enters the room,
takes off his robe and enters the booth. He stands
with his back to the nozzles and then realises that
this booth has nozzles at both sides of the wall)
Ross: Wait a minute,
there's two sets of nozzles, which one is it?
(He turns around frantically
from side to side.)
Ross: Which... which...
which... Which one is it?
(He then stops turning,
facing one of the nozzles, which starts spraying in
this face and front again.)
Ross: OH! SON OF A BITCH!
(He now turns to the
other side, which also starts spraying his face and
front.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's]
(Joey and Rachel are both sitting on the couch. Joey
keeping his knees pressed against each other)
Rachel: What is the matter
with us?
Joey: Well, I know what's
the matter with me.
Rachel: No, I mean with
us, you know. I mean, is it supposed to be this...
difficult?
Joey: I don't know.
(Chandler enters the
apartment)
Chandler: That fake British
woman is a real bitch, but she sure can dance... Hey!
Rachel: Hi! Hey, listen,
can we ask you a question? When you and Monica first
hooked up, was it weird going from friends to... more
than that?
Chandler: Kinda... you
know, sneaking around, having to hide from you guys...
Rachel: No, no, no...
No, I mean... se-x-u-ally...
Joey: Yeah, was there
a part of you that... felt like it was... really wrong?
Chandler: Actually, no.
No, it felt right. You know, it felt like uhm... I
can't believe we haven't been doing this the whole
time.
(Rachel and Joey are
still looking at Chandler, slowly letting his words
get to them)
Chandler: I can tell
from your expressions that that's the good news you
were hoping for... Well, I'm gonna go continue to...
spread the joy.(Chandler leaves the apartment. Joey
sighs)
Rachel: Well, just because
it happened that way for them doesn't mean it has
to happen that way for us.
Joey: Yeah, yeah... Absolutely.
I mean, just because something's difficult doesn't
mean that you quit.
Rachel: Right, totally.
Joey: Yeah, so we just
keep trying and trying until we... do it.
Rachel: Yeah, and if
doesn't work, then we'll be just one of those couples
that never have sex.
Joey: That's a... pla-an.
(They both stare for
a while, and then look at each other)
Joey: (sighs) Wow...
I did not see this coming.
Rachel: I know.
Joey: I don't get it.
I mean, I was so sure this was what I wanted.
Rachel: Hmmm... Me too...
(She puts her head on
Joey's shoulder and Joey kisses her on her head.)
Rachel: I wonder how
Monica and Chandler could do it?
Joey: I guess they weren't
as good friends as we are.
(Lifts her head from
Joey's shoulder)
Rachel: Aah... I bet
you're right.
(They look at each other
for a while)
Joey: So...
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: I love ya.
Rachel: Love you too...
Alright, I'm going to bed.
Joey: Yeah, me too.
(Rachel gets up, and
Joey tries to get up, but halfway up he sits down
again.)
Joey: Ooh, yeah, I'm
not going anywhere for a while.
(Joey takes the ice-bucket
with the champagne bottle in it and puts it on his
sore spot)
ENDING CREDITS
[Scene: Ross's apartment.]
(Ross is reading a National Geographic on his sofa
when Chandler knocks on the door.)
Chandler: Dude, it's
Chandler. Let me in.
(Ross's face is now a
VERY dark shade of brown.)
Ross: Go away! I don't
want to see anybody.
Chandler: I know, I went
to the tanning place and the same thing happened to
me. You have to let me in.
Ross: Really? Did you
count Mississipily?
(Ross walks to the door
and opens it.)
Ross: Dude, you're not
tanned.
Chandler: No, I just
had to get a picture of this.
(Chandler holds up a
camera and takes Ross's picture.)
Chandler: I see you later!
(Ross closes the door)
end
