Series 9 – Episode 9
The One With Rachel’s Phone Number
Written by: Mark Kunerth
Directed by: Ben Weiss
Transcribed by: Andy Ellis
[Scene: Chandler’s Office, Tulsa]
Assistant: This kitty is Mittens, this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkys.
Chandler: Yeah. That’s a lot of cats, Jolene. Single, are ya?
[Phone rings – Chandler answers]
Chandler: Chandler Bing.
Joey: [On phone] Hey. How come you’re answering your own phone? Where’s your crazy assistant?
[Chandler jumps up to turn the speaker phone off by lifting the receiver. The Assistant looks shocked, then storms off]
Chandler: What’s up, Joe?
[Joey’s apartment. Conversation switches between the two scenes when each person speaks]
Joey: Okay. What have we wanted to always do together?
Chandler: Braid each other’s hair then ride horseback on the beach?
Joey: No, no, no. When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are gonna be at the Wizards – Knicks game courtside!
Chandler: Courtside? Oh my god!!
Joey: Yeah, maybe Michael Jordan will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee!
Chandler: That is so cool. I’ll let Monica know.
[Monica’s apartment. Phone rings]
[Chandler’s office, Tulsa – Conversation switches between the two scenes when the people are talking]
Chandler: Joey just called. He’s got courtside Knicks tickets for me and him tomorrow night.
Monica: Really? But tomorrow night’s the only one I get off from the restaurant. If you go to the game then we won’t have another night together for a week.
Chandler: But-t it’s courtside! The cheerleaders are gonna be right in … [mouths last words so Monica does not hear them]. That’s not the way to convince you.
Monica: Look. I don’t want to be one of those wives that says “You can’t go to the game”, “you have to spend time with me”, so, if you just realize it on your own?
Chandler: I…I…I know. You’re right. I wanna see you too. I’ve just got to figure out a way to tell Joey. He’s really looking forward to this.
Monica: [On phone] Tell him you haven’t seen your wife in a long time. [In apartment] Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult. Tell him that…what little time that we have is precious.
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll think of something.
[Monica hangs up, looking exasperated]
[Scene: Ross + Rachel’s apartment. Ross is tending to Emma. Rachel walks in from back. She comes over to tend to Emma]
Ross: Wow! You look…er…hm……I mean, it’s just the…er…that, that dress! Er…
Rachel: I hope the ends of these sentences are good!
Ross: No, no…they’re good. It’s just been so long since I’ve seen you like this. You clean up good!
[Ross stares at Rachel]
Rachel: Ahh. [Looks down] Well, thank you! Ha-ha! [Ross continues to stare at Rachel] Okay – stop looking at me like that. The last time that happened [pointing towards Ross’s crotch] that happened [pointing at Emma]
Ross: Oh, right! [Looking away]
Ross: So, are you. Ah! Are you excited about your…er…first night away from Emma?
Rachel: Yeah! Phoebe and I are gonna have so much fun! Thank you for watching the baby, by the way.
Ross: Oh, it’s fine. Actually, I…I invited Mike over
Rachel: Phoebe’s Mike?
Rachel: I didn’t know that you guys hung out.
Ross: We don’t. But, I thought that it would be nice to get to know him. You know? We have a little dinner, drinks, conversation.
Rachel: Awww. That’s so cute! Ross and Mike’s first date! [Beat] Is that going to be awkward? What are you guys gonna talk about?
Ross: Well, but, you know, we have a lot in common, you know, erm…he plays the piano, I played keyboards in college, or, he’s been divorced, I have…some…experience in that area
[Rachel nods her head in agreement. Door knocks]
[Door opens, Phoebe and Mike enter]
Ross, Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: Ooh. You’re first night out, indeed!
Rachel: Okay, So now I think Emma is properly down for the night but if you need anything Ross…[pointing finger into his chest]
Ross: Rach, Rach, Rach: we’ll be fine. You go have fun.
Rachel: Okay. You too. And I hope you score.
[Rachel picks up her bag and Phoebe and her start to leave]
Rachel: Bye [to Mike]
Mike: Bye [Shuts door]
Ross: So, welcome!
Mike: I’ve got beer
Ross: I’ve got bottled breast milk.
Mike: Ahhh. Why don’t we start with the beer?
[Mike puts beer (6-pack of Fosters) on the table and takes his coat off. Ross and mike sit on the sofa]
Ross: So, Phoebe tells me you, er, play the piano?
Ross: You, you know? I used to play the keyboards in college.
Mike: Yah, do you have one here?
[Ross swigs his beer]
Mike: Okay [nervous laugh]
[‘Clink’ each other’s bottle of Foster’s together. Each take a swig]
[Long, awkward silence]
Ross: Erm, you know, I’m divorced. Er, Phoebe said you’ve been divorced.
Mike: Yeah. [Beat] I’m sorry. I don’t really like to talk about it.
Ross: [Lost for words] Yeah, er… that’s okay. We’ll talk about something else.
[They take another swig of beer]
Mike: So, you’re a palaeontologist, right?
Mike: My cousin’s a palaeontologist.
Ross: Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Monica has a bottle of red wine on the table, along with two filled glasses. Chandler bursts through the door quickly, pulling his suitcase along with him]
Monica: Hi! [Surprised]
Monica: Welcome home.
Chandler: Oh, well, look at you!
[Chandler closes and locks the door]
Monica: What do you think?
Chandler: Well, it’s great, well, I’m just wearing the same thing underneath! Look at you.
[Monica and Chandler hug and kiss. Loud bang outside]
Joey: Ooh. Hey, how come you door’s locked?
Monica: Just a second.
Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Joey can’t know that I am here.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because I didn’t know how to tell him that I couldn’t go to the Knicks game, so I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa.
Monica: So you lied to him?
Chandler: Eh, it is always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion. [Monica glares at him] Except with you!
[Rattling of the doorknob]
Joey: Hey! Open the door! What’s going on?
[Knock. Monica opens the door slightly. Chandler sneaks behind it]
Joey: Why are you dressed like that?
Monica: [Nervous giggle] Because I, erm, well, Chandler’s gonna be home in a couple of days, so I thought that I would just, er, practice the art of seduction.
Joey: I thought I heard a man’s voice before?
Monica: I was just doing Chandler’s side of the conversation, y’know like “Hi”, “How do I look” [In Chandler’s voice] “Really sexy”, “Could I be any more turned on?”
[Chandler slaps Monica on the shoulder. Monica slaps him back. It hurts Chandler]
Joey: Woah, woah, woah. Why are there two glasses of wine out?
Monica: Because, one of them is for you! [Monica goes to get a glass. Chandler looks at Joey through the peep-hole and Chandler ducks. Monica comes back to the door with the two glasses of red wine. Gives one to Joey. ‘Clinks’ the glasses together] Okay, bye, bye!
Chandler: You know, it’s funny. I’ve been practising the art of seduction as well! Hya! [Does a wiggle]
Monica: You might wanna keep practising.
Chandler: Yeah. [Chandler’s phone goes off] It’s Joey.
[Chandler presses a button on the phone and puts the phone up to his ear to listen. Monica puts her ear by it too.]
Chandler: Hey, Joe!
[Joey’s apartment. Scenes change when the different people speak]
Joey: Dude, come home!
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Come home!
Chandler: Look, I can’t. What’s going on?
Joey: I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think that Monica’s cheating on ya! I told you that you shouldn’t have married someone much hotter than you! [Chandler looks at Monica. They nod then put their ears back to the phone. Joey walks out of his apartment and up to Monica’s door] Right, look. If you can’t come home and deal with this, then I'm gonna…
Chandler: [Loudly] No!
Joey: I just heard him!
Chandler: [Quiet] Can you hear him now?
Joey: No. Right, I’m going in!
Chandler: [Loudly] No! Wait!
Joey: I heard him again!
[Chandler starts to freak out on the spot]
Chandler: Right. Just stay there. I'm coming home.
Joey: Great. I’ll see you when you get here. I’m gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out.
Chandler: Is that really necessary?
Joey: Absolutely. You’d do it for me! Not that you’d ever have to, ‘cos I know how to keep my women completely satisfied.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Both Ross and Mike are sat on the sofa, with Fosters in their hands. Mike is blowing across the top of his bottle]
Ross: Shouldn’t the pizza be here by now? They said 30 minutes or less. How long has it been?
Mike: [Looks at watch] Eleven minutes. [Still looking at watch] And now twelve. [Picks up bottle] Do you like the beer?
Ross: I do. I do. Although it is actually a lager.
Mike: Oh. What’s the difference between a beer and a lager?
Ross: I don’t know. We can look it up.
Mike: Things are about to get wild!
[Scene: A bar. Phoebe and Rachel are carrying drinks]
Phoebe: Oh, god. Do you remember the girls’ nights that we used to have? Sitting around, talking about you and Ross?
Rachel: Oh, god. It seems like forever ago.
Phoebe: I know.
[Both sit down]
Phoebe: So what’s going on with you and Ross?
Rachel: Well, um, I don’t know. I mean, for a long time, nothing. You know, actually, right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a little thing.
Phoebe: Woah! Oh my god! I love things! What happened?
Rachel: Well, um, first he told me that he liked how I looked, and then, erm, we had a little, erm, eye contact.
Phoebe: Eye contact?
Rachel: Uh huh.
Phoebe: I hope you were using protection.
[A waiter comes over with two drinks on his tray. He places them on the table]
Waiter: Excuse me, um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar.
[The waiter leaves. Phoebe and Rachel look to see who it is]
Phoebe: Should we send them something back? Yes, let’s do! Let’s send them mashed potatoes!!
Rachel: No, wait, don’t do that! It’s gonna make them think that they can come over here!
Phoebe: So, what if they do?
Rachel: We’re not here to meet guys. You have a boyfriend. I have a…baby and a Ross.
Phoebe: Yeah, but, um, nothing has to happen. Just having fun. You know, not everything has to go as far as ‘eye contact’.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment]
Monica: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you are not in Tulsa.
Chandler: Don’t you think it’s better for him to think that you’re cheating on me than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? [Silence] I heard it!
Monica: I don’t want him to think that I'm having an affair.
Chandler: Alright. I’ve got a plan. I’ll go down the fire escape…
Monica: Yes. Because all good plans start with “I’ll just go down the fire escape…”
Chandler: Hear me out, woman! I’ll go down the fire escape, then I’ll wait for a while. Then, when I come back up the stairs, it’ll just be like I got back from Tulsa. Then, Joey and I will come in here and see that there is no guy in here.
Monica: Aren’t you afraid that Joey’s going to figure all this out? [Silence] I heard it!
[Chandler goes to the window, opens it, looks out, then comes back in]
Chandler: Just gonna wait for a little while.
Monica: Scary pigeon’s back?
Chandler: It’s huge!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. There is a nearly-empty pizza box on the table. Mike and Ross have swapped positions on the couch. Mike still has a bottle of Foster’s in his hand. He is making funny noises. Ross looks bored. Mike stops making the noise, looks at Ross, looks back at the bottle and continues to make the noise. Ross looks exasperated]
[Scene: Bar. Phoebe and Rachel are talking to the two men that sent the drinks over to them]
Rachel: Oh my god! I can’t believe you live in that building! My grandmother lives in that building, Ida Green? No sense of personal space? Kinda smells of chicken? Looks like a potato?!?
Bill: Spuds is your grandmother?
Rachel: Yeah! That’s my muppy!
Kevin: So, we’re on our way to a couple of parties. Maybe we can get your numbers and give you a call when we find something fun.
Phoebe: Yeah, I’m sorry. We weren’t really looking for anything to happen with you guys. I-I have a boyfriend.
Kevin: Alright. That’s no big deal.
[Kevin and Bill get up]
Bill: So, she has a boyfriend. [To Rachel] What is your situation?
Rachel: Oh, it’s complicated. I don’t actually have a boyfriend, but, erm…
Bill: Can I have your number?
Rachel: I’m sorry, no.
Bill: Okay [They start to leave]
Rachel: Oh, sure!
[Reaches into her handbag]
Phoebe: Oh my god! You’re giving your real number!
Bill: Okay, thanks. I’ll give you a call later tonight.
Rachel: Great. [Gives thumbs up]
Bill: Bye [Leaves]
Rachel, Phoebe: Bye
Phoebe: Wow. So that's great. You, Bill, Ross and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking?
Rachel: I don’t know. He was cute and he liked me. It was an impulse.
Phoebe: But what about Ross? What about your moment? Don’t you want to talk to Ross about it?
Rachel: No, no, ‘cos I know exactly how the conversation is going to go. “Hey Ross”, “You know, I think that we had a moment before” [As Ross] “Yeah, um, me too” [As herself] “Well, but I’m not sure I really wanna do anything about it!” [As Ross] “Yeah, um, me, um, neither.” [As herself] “Ross, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we’re really feeling?” [As Ross] “Yeah, that works for me, um, um.”
Phoebe: Yeah, I see what you mean. By the way, nice Ross imitation. But your Rachel was not whiney enough.
[Phoebe reaches for her drink]
Rachel: The point is: maybe I should stop waiting around, waiting for moments with Ross. I should just move on with my life.
Phoebe: So, really? Are you moving on from Ross?
Rachel: Dunno, do I have to decide right now?
Phoebe: You kinda just did. That guy’s gonna call you tonight. Ross is going to pick up the phone. That’s a pretty clear message.
Rachel: Oh my god! Ross!! Ross is gonna pick up the phone! Ah, I have to get my number back! Oh my god! He’s gone!
Phoebe: [As Rachel] “Ah, I have to get my number back!”, “Oh my god! He’s gone!” Dead on!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Ross and Mile look bored out of their heads]
Mike: Passst. I’m gonna take off.
Ross: So soon?
Ross: Okay. Thanks, er, for the beer.
Mike: You mean lager.
Ross: Ah, yeah, good times.
[Ross opens door. Mike steps out through door. Ross closes door]
Mike: Ohh. [Relieved to be out of there]
Ross: Ohh. [Relieved that Mike has gone]
[Mike’s mobile phone rings]
[Bar. Phoebe is on the other end of the phone. Scenes switch with the conversation]
Phoebe: Hey Mike, it’s me. Listen: Is Ross near you?
Mike: Uh no, I just left.
Phoebe: Well, you have to go back in.
Mike: What? Go back? To the land where time stands still?
Phoebe: I’m so sorry, honey, but, okay. Rachel gave this guy her number, and, erm, she does not want Ross to answer the phone, so you have to intercept all of his calls.
Mike: I can’t do that.
Phoebe: [To Rachel] He says that he can’t do that
Rachel: Oh, give me. [Rachel takes the phone of Phoebe] Hi, Mike! Hi, listen, I know this is a lot to ask, but you know what. If you do this, ah, Phoebe will do anything you want. Seriously, I’m talking dirty stuff.
Phoebe: Alright, give it here. [Phoebe takes the phone] Hello? I'm sorry about her, but, she wasn’t wrong about the dirty stuff.
Mike: Alright, I’ll do it. [Phoebe sticks her thumb up to Rachel] Really, though, how much dirtier can it get?
Phoebe: Oh, oh, Mike! Bye. [Hangs up]
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Knock at the door. Ross opens the door. Mike is there.]
Mike: Hey, buddy!
Mike: Can I come back in?
Ross: W-Why? [Blocking route of entry]
Mike: Well, [negotiating an entrance] I was just thinking of how muck more we have to talk about.
Ross: [Exasperated] But, you left!
[Scene: Hallway between Monica/Chandler’s apartment and Joey’s apartment. Joey is sat on a stool, holding a baseball bat. Chandler runs up the stairs]
Joey: Wow, that didn’t take long. I thought you said Tulsa was a three-hour flight?
Chandler: Well,… you’re forgetting about the time difference.
[Joey looks puzzled for a second, then smiles and points at Chandler. Chandler smiles and points back. Chandler opens the door to his apartment and enters. Joey follows.]
Monica: Huh, Chandler – you’re home!
Chandler: That’s right. Your husband’s home, so now the sex can stop.
[Monica looks stunned]
Monica: What are you saying?
Chandler: Joey said that you’re in here with another man!
Monica: There's no man in here! How dare you accuse me of that? [Slaps Chandler]
Joey: Alright, alright. Then maybe you won’t mind if me and my friend takes a look around then. Huh! Where you at?
[Joey goes into Monica and Chandler’s bedroom. Banging can be heard]
Chandler: What’s he doing?
Monica: I arranged some pillows on the bed to make it look like a guy!
[Both laugh. Joey enters]
Joey: Bedroom’s clear, although you might need some new pillows.
Chandler: Alright, well, I’ll check the guest bedroom.
[Chandler heads off to guest bedroom. Joey walks up to Monica and starts sniffing loudly and heavily]
Joey: Why do I smell men’s cologne?
[Monica smells Joey]
Monica: I think that's you.
[Joey smells himself]
Joey: Oh yeah, I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.
Chandler: Nobody here, Joe.
Joey: I guess not.
Monica: I can’t believe you thought I was cheating. You owe me an apology.
Joey: You’re right, Monica. I’m so sorry.
Monica: It’s an honest mistake. It can happen to anybody. Alright, see ya.
[Monica pushes Joey towards the door. Joey sees Chandler’s cases]
Joey: Wait, wait, wait a minute. If you’ve just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
[Chandler looks at Monica]
Chandler: I climb down the fire escape, and you can’t put that in the closet?
[Joey looks shocked]
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Ross and Mike are sat on the sofa. Mike is reading out of a book]
Mike: So, with the exception of the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing. Fascinating, isn’t it?
Ross: [Looking bored] Maybe you should look up fascinating.
Mike: I’ll get it [Jumps across Ross and grabs the phone. Ross looks shocked] Hello? Ross’ place, Mike speaking. [Passing phone to Ross] It’s for you.
[Ross takes phone]
Ross: I don’t understand what just happened here.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. As before]
Joey: What’s going on?
Chandler: I’m sorry. I told you that I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I didn’t…didn’t know…didn’t think you’d understand.
Joey: What? You think I’m too dumb to know that a husband needs to be with his wife? Uh? You think I’m like, duhhh! [Taps head with baseball bat – it hurts him]
Monica: I don’t know what to say. We shouldn’t have lied to you.
Chandler: I feel so bad. Is there, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Joey: You could go to the game with me, even though I know you said you couldn’t, but then you lied to me, tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.
Chandler: I’m sorry. That’s the one thing I can’t do. I promised that I’d be with Monica.
Joey: [Looking sad] Alright.
Monica: You can go.
Chandler: [Turning around] What?
Monica: You should go to the game. It’s okay, I want you to.
Chandler: Really? Are you going to be okay?
Monica: Yeah, it’ll be fine. Y’know, maybe I’ll stay and practice the art of seduction.
Chandler: You’re gonna put sweats on and clean, aren’t ya?
Monica: That’s gonna be so hot!
[Monica and Chandler hug]
Joey: Thanks, here’s ya ticket.
Chandler: Thanks. Listen, I’m never gonna lie to you again.
Chandler: And I want you to know that no-one thinks that you are stupid.
Joey: Thanks, man. [They walk down the hall. Chandler looks at his ticket. Turns around and heads back to his apartment.] Where ya going?
Chandler: Game’s tomorrow night, Joe. [Enters apartment]
[Joey looks at his ticket and makes a ‘whoops’ expression]
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel and Phoebe enter through the door]
Rachel, Phoebe: Hey!
Ross, Mike: Hi! [Ross jumps up out of his seat, runs and hugs Rachel. Mike walks up to Phoebe]
Mike: So glad you’re back [Hugs Phoebe]
Rachel: So, what did you guys do?
Ross: You know, we just drank some beer…Mike played with the boundaries of normal social conduct…
Mike: It’s true, I did.
Phoebe: Well, goodbye!
Ross, Rachel: Bye!
Rachel: Have fun, Pheebs! See ya guys. [Phoebe and Mike leave]
Ross: Rachel, lock the door, lock the door, seriously!
Rachel: Oh shoot, I forgot to pay Phoebe for the drinks! [Goes outside into the hallway] Wait, wait. So, did he call? Did that guy call?
Mike: No, just his mom.
Rachel: Oh, around 8:30?
Rachel: Then again at 9?
Mike: Uh huh.
[Inside apartment. Phone rings. Ross picks up the phone]
Ross: Hello? Oh no, she’s not here right now. Can I take a message? Bill from the bar? Okay…Bill from the bar. I’ll make sure she gets your number.
[Ross hangs up the phone. He re-reads the message. Rachel re-enters and goes to tend to the baby]
Ross: So, er, so how was it? Have you guys, you guys, had a good time?
Rachel: Oh, it’s so much fun. It’s so good to be out.
[Ross picks up the note]
Ross: Ah, Rach?
[Ross puts note into his pocket]
Ross: Never mind.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are sat on the sofa. Ross enters]
Ross: Hey, you guys!
Phoebe, Mike: Hi!
[Ross sits down]
Phoebe: I’ll be right back. I just have to go to the bathroom.
[Phoebe gets up and heads for the bathroom]
Mike: Stout. That’s a kind of beer.
[Ross gets up and leaves]