The One Where No One Proposes


Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


[Scene: Rachelís Room, Joey moves Rossís coat to get the tissues Rachel wants and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that itís an engagement ring.]

Rachel: Joey.

(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)

Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.

(Joey is stunned.)

[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachelís room.]

[Cut back into Rachelís room.]

Rachel: So uhÖI guess we shouldÖmake it official huh?

Joey: UhÖ Look RachÖ(Ross enters.) Hey Ross is here! Hey look! Itís my good friend Ross. Hey Ross.

Ross: Hey Joey. (To Rachel) Hey you.

Rachel: Hey you.

Joey: Hey and look he brought flowers. Thanks Ross, but Iím really more of a candy guy. (Laughs.)

Ross: Youíre weird today. (He turns to Rachel and Joey puts the ring back.) (To Rachel) Listen I uh, wanted to talk to you about something.

Rachel: Uh yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.

Ross: Uh Joey, can you give us just a minute?

Joey: No.

Ross: What?

Joey: Oh, Iím sorry. I meant no.

Monica: (entering with everyone else including Mr. Geller) Hi! Hey look whoís here!

Mr. Geller: Whereís my granddaughter? Iíve been practicing my magic tricks.

Chandler: He pulled a quarter out of my ear!

Ross: Hey, whereís uh, whereís mom?

Mr. Geller: She went to pick up Aunt Liddy.

Monica: Oh, Aunt Liddyís coming? That means we get five dollars each!

Mr. Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this? (Pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.)

Chandler: Okay. Wow.

Ross: Uh Dad, Emmaís in the nursery. Iíll take you now. If you want, but (To Rachel) I really want to talk to you.

Rachel: I know, I still need to talk to you.

Joey: Oh hey but, before you guys do that (To Rachel) I need to talk to you, and Ross, I need to talk to you.

Phoebe: (To Monica) Oh and I need to talk to you.

Monica: About what?

Phoebe: To see if know what these guys are talking about.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Outside the Nursery, everyone but Rachel is standing and looking into the window.]

Monica: Isnít she beautiful?

Mr. Geller: Look at her, my first grandchild.

Ross: What about Ben?

Mr. Geller: Well of course Ben, I meant my first granddaughter. (To Monica, mouths) Wow.

Phoebe: (taking Ross aside) Have umm, have you thought anymore about you and Rachel?

Ross: Oh well yeah, actually I was going to talk to her when you guys all came in the room.

Phoebe: Yay! Itís so exciting! Wow, you couldíve done that with us there.

Ross: Yeah right.

Phoebe: Oh sure okay, you can touch yourself in front of us but you canít talk to Rachel.

Ross: What?! When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?

Phoebe: Oh please! Just before when you were asleep in the lounge! That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV. Oh, that reminds me. That Mr. Hasmeje still has my Gameboy.

Joey: (taking Chandler aside) Hey Chandler, can I talk to you for a second?

Chandler: Sure.

Joey: Dude I just did something terrible.

Chandler: That was you?! I thought it was Jack!

Joey: No! No, that was Jack! Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me!

Chandler: What?! Why does she think that?

Joey: Because it kinda looked like I did.

Chandler: Again, what?!

Joey: Okay well, I was down on one knee with the ring in my handÖ

Chandler: As we all are at some point during the day.

Joey: It wasnít my ring! It fell out of Rossís jacket! And when I knelt down to pick it up Rachel thought I was proposing!

Chandler: Ross had a ring?! And he was gonna propose?

Joey: I guess.

Chandler: And you did it first?! This is gonna kill him! You know how much he loves to propose!

Joey: I know! I know itís awful.

Chandler: Well, what did she say?

Joey: (happily) She said yes.

Chandler: Does Ross know?

Joey: Oh God, what the hell am I going to tell him?

Chandler: Well maybe you donít have to tell him anything.

Joey: Oh, I like that. YeahÖ

Chandler: If you clear things up with Rachel then Ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass!

Joey: (laughs) Now letís not get carried away. (He walks away as Monica comes over and hugs Chandler from behind.)

Monica: I want a baby.

Chandler: Honey, weíve been over this. I need to be facing the other way.

Monica: Come on! Come on, if we have sex again itíll double our chances of getting pregnant. Do you think that closetís still available?

Chandler: Iím so tired. (She starts kissing him.) Yeah okay, but no foreplay.

Monica: Deal!

[Back in front of the nursery window.]

Ross: Dad seriously! Yíknow you really should see someone about that!

Mr. Geller: Noted.

Ross: I wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute, are you gonna be okay alone for a bit?

Mr. Geller: Are you kidding me, I could stay and look at her forever.

Ross: (noticing something) Actually ummÖ (He turns Mr. Gellerís head to look at Emma.)

[Scene: Rachelís Room, Phoebe is entering.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hi.

Phoebe: Are you all right?

Rachel: UhhÖ I think I just got engaged.

Phoebe: Oh my God! He did it?

Rachel: WellÖdid you know he was gonna ask me?

Phoebe: Are you kidding? Iím like the one who talked him into it. I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group.

Rachel: And you really think this is a good idea?

Phoebe: I just talked him into it, donít tell me I have to do you too. The puppet master gets tired people.

Rachel: I just donít know! It just doesnít feel right.

Phoebe: Why?! You two are so meant to be together, everybody thinks so.

Rachel: Really?! Even Ross?

Phoebe: Especially Ross!

Joey: (entering) Oh uh, hey Pheebs. Uh yíknow what? Iíll-Iíll come back later. (He goes to leave but runs into Ross whoís entering.)

Ross: Wow! Kind of uh, kind of a full house here. Iíll guess justÖIíll come back. (Ross exits followed by Joey.)

Phoebe: There he goes, your fiancťe.

Rachel: I guess so.

Phoebe: Although he does play with himself in his sleep.

Rachel: I canít say that Iím surprised.

[Scene: A hallway, Joey and Ross find Mr. Geller with his ear up against a janitorís closet door.]

Ross: Dad, what are you doing?

Mr. Geller: I think there are people in there having sex.

(Ross turns to look at Joey.)

Joey: It canít be me, Iím standing right here.

Mr. Geller: Wanna peek?

Ross: No!

Mr. Geller: Come on!

Ross: Yíknow what? I donít like you without mom. (To Joey) Come on. (Walks away.)

Joey: (To Ross) Weíre not peeking? (Follows him.)

Mr. Geller: Well Iím peeking. (He peeks.) Oh my God!

Chandler: Hello sir, you know Monica.

[Scene: Rachelís Room, she is taking the ring out of Rossís jacket, looks at it, and puts it on her finger as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey uh, is it okay to come in?

Rachel: Of course! Oh Joey, this ring IÖitís beautiful I love it!

Joey: Yeah uh look Rach, thereís something I gotta tell ya.

(Thereís a knock on the door and a nurse enters carrying Emma.)

Rachel: Hey!

Nurse: Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again?

Rachel: Yeah! Hi Emma. Hey, why do you think she wonít take my breast?

Nurse: Itís all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it, but donít worry. Itíll happen.

Joey: (watching) Yowsa! (Looks away.)

Rachel: Okay sweetie, you can do it. Just open up and put it in your mouth.

Joey: Dear Lord.

Rachel: Iím sorry honey, what were you saying?

Joey: Oh uh-uh yeah, I think thatÖ

Rachel: Oh look, sheís pulling away again! Do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? (Joey gets embarrassed.) She looks scared. Doesnít she look scared?

Joey: Yíknow, I donít really know her.

Nurse: Why donít we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow. (Does so.)

Joey: (To God) Are you kidding me?!

Rachel: Itís just so frustrating! Why doesnít she want my breast?!

Joey: I donít know! Maybe sheís crazy! (Storms out.)

[Scene: The Lobby, Ross is eating a sandwich as Phoebe rushes up to him.]

Phoebe: Oh hey! Wait up!

Ross: Hi!

Phoebe: Congratulations! I didnít want to say anything in front of Joey Ďcause I didnít know if he knew yet.

Ross: What, that we had a baby? Come on letís give him a little credit, although, he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier.

Phoebe: No! No, that you and Rachel are engaged!

Ross: What?

Phoebe: Oh, itís a secret. Oh goodie! Yes! We havenít done the secret thing in a long time.

Ross: Phoebe, there is no secret. Okay? I didnít propose.

Phoebe: Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us that you were a doctor?

Ross: (pause) I am a doctor! Yíknow what? Iím just gonna go and talk to Rachel myself.

Phoebe: All right, me too. (They go into her room and see that sheís sleeping.) Should we wake her up?

Ross: No! No, come on let her sleep! Sheís so exhausted.

Phoebe: And so engaged. (Points to the ring that Rachel is wearing.)

Ross: What? (Motions for Phoebe to go outside with him.) Oh my God! She-she thinks weíre engaged! Why? Why? Why would she think weíre engaged?!

Phoebe: Perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? Yíknow Ross doctors are supposed to be smart.

Ross: I didnít give her that ring!

Phoebe: Really?

Ross: No!

Phoebe: So whose ring is it?

Ross: Itís mine.

Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring?

Ross: Yes!

Phoebe: But you didnít give it to her?

Ross: No!

Phoebe: But you were going to propose?

Ross: No!!

Phoebe: Huh, I might be losing interest in this.

Ross: Look. Look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel, but all I wanted to do is if she maybeÖkindaÖwanted ahÖstartÖthings up again.

Phoebe: Oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment.

Ross: Look, I didnít want to rush into anything. And it seemed like she didnít want to either. But I donít, I donít understand how any of this happened! What? Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume that I was going to propose, throw it on, and-and just start telling people?

Phoebe: No! No, she said you actually proposed to her.

Ross: Well I didnít! I didnít propose! (Pause) Unless uhÖ (Pause) Did I? I havenít slept in forty hours andÖit does sound like something I would do.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Janitorís Closet, Chandler and Monica are trying to figure out what to do now.]

Chandler: Look, we canít stay in here forever.

Monica: Oh, I still canít believe my dad saw us having sex! He didnít make it to one of piano recitals, but this he sees!

Chandler: This is okay. Weíre all adults here; thereís nothing to be ashamed of. Now, letís put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door. (They do so and find Mr. Geller leaning against a wall stunned.)

Monica: Hi Dad! I can still call you that right?

Mr. Geller: Of course. Iíll always be your dad.

Chandler: I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasnít for fun.

Monica: It wasnít fun?!

Chandler: (To Monica) Why? Why-why-would youóWh-whyÖ (To Mr. Geller) Look, I just donít want you to think that weíre animals who do it whenever we want.

Mr. Geller: Oh, I donít think that. Before today I never thought of you two having sex at all. It was a simpler time.

Monica: The truth is, Dad, weíre-weíre trying.

Mr. Geller: What?

Monica: Yeah, weíre trying to get pregnant.

Mr. Geller: Oh my God! This is so exciting! Well, get back in there! (Points to the closet) Iíll guard the door!

Monica: Well, thatís okay dad, we-we can wait until later.

Mr. Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa! I donít think so! Arenít you ovulating?

Monica: Daddy?!

Mr. Geller: Well you gotta get at it princess! When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. Thatís how I got my bad hip.

Chandler: Thatís funny, this conversationís how I got the bullet hole in my head.

Mr. Geller: This one time I had my knee up on the sink and your mother, she wasÖ

Monica: Daddy! I donít think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mom had sex.

Mr. Geller: Youíre right, youíre right. This is about your positions. Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child, although it might feel good.

Monica: I donít feel good right now.

Mr. Geller: But pleasure is important, (To Chandler) and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor?

Chandler: Seriously sir, my brains? All over the wall.

[Scene: Rachelís Room, Monica is entering.]

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. I need to tell you something.

Monica: Well, nowís a good time. Iím on my way to have my ears cut off.

Rachel: Joey asked me marry him.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Joey proposed to me.

Monica: Is he crazy?! You just had Rossís baby!

Rachel: Well, I-I said yes.

Monica: What?! Are you crazy? You just had Rossís baby! Itís-itís so inappropriate. No, itís worse than that. Itís wrong. ItísÖ It is bigger than mine! (Rachelís engagement ring.)

Rachel: I know. Days of Our Lives, thank you very much.

Monica: You canít marry him!

Rachel: Why not? I donít want to do this alone! And heís such a sweet guy and he loves me so much.

Monica: Well do you love him?

Rachel: Sure.

Monica: Sure?

Rachel: Yeah, I mean whatever.

Monica: Honey, the question isÖdo you really want to marry Joey?

Rachel: No. No, I donít. Could you be a dear and go tell him?

[Scene: A Hallway, Chandler is following Joey.]

Chandler: You still havenít told Rachel you werenít really proposing?

Joey: No! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out.

Chandler: Joey, you have to tell her whatís going on! And what did it look like?!

Joey: I didnít look at it. Stupid babyís head was blocking most of it.

Chandler: Go and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out.

Joey: Look, itís not that easy. She said she wanted to marry me. I donít want to hurt her.

Chandler: Okay, look, just do it gently.

Joey: Youíre right. Youíre right. I-Iíll go tell her now before Ross finds out and Iíll be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there (Points to the closet Chandler and Monica were in) if you want to check that out.

[Scene: Rachelís Room, Ross is entering.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Listen, I umÖ I heard about the engagement.

Rachel: Surprised?

Ross: And confused. Rach, sweetie, I-I umÖI didnít propose to you.

Rachel: I know.

Ross: I donít think you do.

Rachel: You didnít propose to me. Joey did.

Ross: Poor baby, youíre so tired. Rach, I didnít propose to you, Joey didnít propose to you, and Chandler didnít propose to you.

Rachel: UhÖ You didnít propose to me, Chandler didnít propose to me, but Joey did.

(Joey enters.)

Ross: Joey proposed to you?

Joey: I can come back.

Ross: Hey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you propose to her?

Joey: No.

Rachel: Yes you did!

Joey: Actually, technically, I didnít.

Rachel: Well then why did you give me a ring?

Ross: Wait! Whoa-whoa, youÖyou gave her the ring?

Joey: No! No, and I did not ask her to marry me!

Rachel: Yes, you did!

Joey: No, I didnít!

Rachel: Yes, you did!

Joey: No, I didnít!

Rachel: Yes, you did! And donít you say, "No, I didnít!"

Joey: Ahhh!

Rachel: He was right there. He got down on one knee and proposed.

Ross: Whoa! You were down on one knee?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that looks bad. But I didnítÖI didnít propose!

Ross: Then what did happen?

Rachel: Yeah, what did happen?

Joey: Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing.

Rachel: Yeah, but you said, "Will you marry me?"

Joey: No, I didnít!

Rachel: Yes, you did!

Joey: No, I didnít!

Rachel: Yes, you didóOh my God you didnít! (Screams) Well then why didnít you tell me that before?!

Joey: Well I tried, but people kept coming in and then you took your breast out!

Ross: Whoa! Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw her breast?!

Joey: (To Ross) Iíll tell you about it later. Be cool.

Rachel: Well then Joey, what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?!

Joey: It wasnít my ring! Itís Rossís ring! Thatís why I felt so bad Rach, because he was going to propose.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: You were gonna propose to me?

Ross: UhhÖ No.

(An awkward silence follows.)

Joey: Well, this is awkward. {See? I told you so.}

Ross: But I-I was going to see if yíknow, maybe you uh, start dating again but thatóI mean that-that was all, Rach.

Joey: Dude, step up! I proposed.

Ross: No, you didnít!

Joey: Oh thatís right. Thereís a lot going on here and I think I ate some bad fruit earlier.

(Thereís a knock on the door and the Nurse enters carrying Emma.)

Nurse: Hey, she just woke up! Sheís hungry. Why donít we give this another try?

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: (To Joey) I canít believe you told her I was going to propose!

Joey: I canít believe youíre not going to propose!

Ross: Hey, Iím not going to rush into anything!

Joey: Oh yeah, dude, I totally understand. Usually after I have a baby with a woman I like to slow things down!

Rachel: Oh my God!

Ross: What?

Rachel: Sheís doing it Look, sheís breast-feeding look!

Joey: (looking at the ceiling) Ah, itís beautiful.

Nurse: Iíll come back for her later.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Thank you. (The nurse exits.)

Rachel: Oh wow, this feels weird.

Ross: Good weird?

Rachel: Wonderful weird.

Joey: Yíknow what you guys? Iím uh, Iím gonna go too. And uh, Iím sorry about everything.

Rachel: Honey donít worry, it was my mistake.

Joey: No, Rach, I shouldíve told you sooner. Itís just thatÖMan! That kid is going to town! (Joey makes his awkward exit.)

Rachel: Sheís perfect.

Ross: Weíre so lucky.

Rachel: We really are.

Ross: Look, I-I know itís not a proposal and I donít know where you are, but with everything thatís been going on and with Emma andÖIíve been feelingÖ

Rachel: I know. I know. Iíve feelingÖ

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah. (Laughs nervously)

Ross: Okay, well, thatÖ Wow, okay, well, ummÖthen maybe, at least we can, we can talk about us again.

Rachel: Yeah, maybe.

Ross: Well good, okay. I-I, kind of think yíknow if weÖifÖ Youíre wearing the ring.

(Pause.)

Rachel: Wh-whatís that?

Ross: And you told Phoebe you were engaged.

Rachel: Iím sorry, what?

Ross: When you thought Joey proposed didÖdid you say yes?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Outside the Janitorís Closet, there are people having sex and Mr. Geller is trying to give them some pamphlets.]

Mr. Geller: Kids, I spoke to a doctor and picked up this pamphlets on how to get pregnant. (He slides them under the door.)

Monica: (walking by with Chandler.) Hey dad!

Chandler: Hey.

Mr. Geller: (pause) Sorry to bother you again, but could you pass my pamphlets back? (They do so.) Thank you.

End


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