Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for Rachels baby shower.]
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: So whats the final head count on my baby shower?
Phoebe: About twenty, a couple people from work who had something else to do.
Monica: Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it.
Rachel: What?! You mean theyre not coming to a social event where theres no men and theres no booze?! Thats shocking! I dont care, as long as my moms here.
Monica: Oh my God, your mother!
Rachel: What?! My moms not gonna be here?!
Monica: Well, given that we forgot to invite her it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.
Rachel: My God!
Monica: Well it wasnt my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations!
Phoebe: Well I dont, I dont have a mother so often I forget that other people
Monica: (interrupting her) Oh give it a rest!
Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?!
Phoebe: No. (Pause) Neither is mine.
Monica: Okay, yknow what? Dont worry, okay? Well take care of it. Well call her. Just go home and get ready.
Rachel: Please, make sure she comes. Its really important to me, I mean its my mom!
Phoebe: I know. I know, whats her number?
Rachel: I dont know.
Monica: Go! I have it in my book. Go! (Rachel leaves and Monica calls Mrs. Green.) (To Phoebe) Wait a minute! If youre in charge of the invitations why am I the one who has to call herHello Mrs. Green! Hi, its Monica Geller.
Mrs. Green: Oh, hello Monica.
Monica: (on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but weve decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
Mrs. Green: I know, my daughters told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.
Monica: Yeah, Im sorry. Im-Im so sorry.
Mrs. Green: For what dear? For not inviting me or lying about it?
Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh my God, my ass is sweating! (on phone) Please! Please! Can you come? Its today at four.
Mrs. Green: Well all right. Ill see you at four.
Monica: Thank you. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Isnt it at three?
Monica: Son of a bitch! (Calls Mrs. Green again.)
[Scene: Joey's Apartment, Joey is reading a script as Ross and Chandler enter carrying a basketball.]
Chandler: Hey Joe! You wanna shoot some hoops?
Joey: Oh no, I cant go. Im practicing; I got an audition to be the host of a new game show.
Ross: Oh cool!
Chandler: Thats great.
Joey: Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day Ill (In a sexy voice) Dr. Drake Remoray, but by night Ill be (In an announcers voice) Joey Trrrribbiani!
Chandler: Youll be perfect for this! Thats already your name!
Joey: But the auditions in a couple hours and I dont even understand the game.
Ross: Well do you want some help?
Joey: Oh really? Thatd be great! You guys can be the contestants!
Chandler: Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.
Joey: (announcer voice) All right! Lets play Bamboozled!
Joey: Yeah, isnt that a cool name?
Ross: (simultaneously with Chandler) Yeah!
Chandler: (simultaneously with Ross) No!
Joey: All right. Uhh, okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why dont you tell us a little something about you Ross?
Ross: Well uh, I-Im a paleontologist. Umm, I-I live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! (Waves.) And uh
Joey: I said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you Chandler?
Chandler: Well Joey, Im a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.)
Joey: Excellent! Lets play Bamboozled! Chandler, youll go first. What is the capital of Columbia?
Joey: Its Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango card.
Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango card do?
Joey: I should know that. Lets see, just one moment please. Umm, here we are, a Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower.
Chandler: Higher or lower than what?
Joey: This is embarrassing. (Looks it up.)
Chandler: (To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is?
Ross: Im sorry, I dont believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachels baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are working in the kitchen.]
Phoebe: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five. Thats good right?
Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate!
Phoebe: What? Hes gonna be dressed as a baby! (Mrs. Green enters.) Oh hi Mrs. Green!
Phoebe: Im so glad you could make it.
Monica: Yes, thank you so much. And again, were so sorry. We could not feel worse about it.
Mrs. Green: Try. Theres my little girl. (Goes over to Rachel.)
Monica: Shes still mad.
Phoebe: Yeah I know. Isnt it great? One less person we have to make small talk with.
Monica: Phoebe, Sandras mad at you too. It-it doesnt bother you?
Phoebe: No look, weve apologized twice! I cant do anymore than that. I know you hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it.
Monica: Okay. I can do that. (Pause) I gotta go powder my ass.
[Cut to Rachel and Mrs. Green.]
Mrs. Green: Look at that face! Just like when you were in high school! If I didnt know better Id say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come on, lets get some tea.
Rachel: Okay. (Mrs. Green helps her up and they walk over and get some tea.)
Mrs. Green: Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny yet? Now I dont want you to use your housekeeper cause it would just split her focus.
Rachel: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I dont even have a housekeeper.
Mrs. Green: Its like youre a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You dont know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay.
Rachel: Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca. (I think thats your mothers crazy.)
Mrs. Green: Such a sweet woman.
Rachel: Well, however great she was I just cant afford that.
Mrs. Green: Oh Rachel!
Mrs. Green: I just had the greatest idea! Im gonna come live with you!
Rachel: Wh-wh-what? What?
Mrs. Green: Oh, Im so happy Im gonna do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes.
Rachel: Yes. Yes I do.
[Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing Bamboozled.]
Joey: All right Ross youre in the lead, would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
Ross: The wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, Ill take another question.
Joey: Okay, this is gonna be tough. Hold your breath.
Ross: Its okay, Im ready.
Joey: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until youre ready to answer the question.
Chandler: This is ridiculous, hes not gonna hold his breath (Ross cuts him off by taking a deep breath and holding it.)
Joey: Okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia, Tris Holy cow, thats a big word. Trisc Seriously look at this thing. Chandler, how do you say that?
Chandler: Let me see that.
Joey: This one right here. (Ross whines.)
Ross: (exhaling) The fear of Triscuts!
Joey: No! No, fear of the number 13.
Chandler: Fear of Triscuts?
Ross: Its possible, they have really sharp edges.
Joey: All right Chandler, youre up.
Ross: Wait a minute, I-I believe Im entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn?
Chandler: This game makes no sense!
Ross: Yknow what? Youre just upset because youre losing.
Chandler: Oh come on Ross, I think were all losers here.
Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.
Chandler: Let me think. Let me thinkOh! I dont care.
Joey: You-you must choose Mr. Bing.
Chandler: Either, it makes no difference.
Joey: Choose, you jackass!
Chandler: Ill take a card.
Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Rosss points!
Chandler: This game is kinda fun.
Ross: (To Chandler) You dont think its a little crazy that you get all my points just cause you
Chandler: I dont think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower is continuing as Rachel walks over to Monica and Phoebe.]
Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?!
Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.
Phoebe: For how long?
Rachel: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.
Monica: I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.
Phoebe: She cant hear you.
Rachel: What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do?
Phoebe: Well, if you dont want your mother to move in with you, just tell her.
Rachel: Youre right. Youre right. I mean Im about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I dont want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! Shes gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen!
Monica: Thats right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you dont want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer!
Rachel: Okay. (She goes over to tell her mother.)
Monica: (To Phoebe) This is great! Now shes gonna be mad at Rachel! Yknow what? And Im just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.
Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler. All right everybody! Its time to open the presents!
Monica: Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby, because youre the most important person in this room. And in the world!
Mrs. Green: Well uh, I dont have a gift because I wasnt invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyones attention.
Phoebe: How about you less important people, lets open your presents!
(Mrs. Green goes into the kitchen and Rachel follows her.)
Rachel: Mom thats okay that you didnt get you a gift!
Mrs. Green: Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own.
Mrs. Green: Sweetheart I know youre gonna be terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning.
Rachel: But mom, I really know what Im doing. I can handle this.
Mrs. Green: Really? Remember Twinkles?
Rachel: He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby!
Phoebe: Okay, come on Rach its present time! Yknow youre the glue thats holding this whole party together. Its kinda falling apart here.
Mrs. Green: Oh look.
Phoebe: Okay, this is from your friend at work.
Rachel: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (Shes holding an item with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That cant be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby?
Mrs. Green: Darling, thats a breast pump!
Rachel: Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. Oh wow! Whats this?
Woman: Its a diaper genie.
Rachel: Oh, it dispenses clean diapers!
Woman: No! Its where you put the dirty ones!
Rachel: Well thats gross, why dont you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster?
Mrs. Green: Oh youre gonna do that ten times a day?
Rachel: What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?!
Mrs. Green: No dear, thats what babies do.
Monica: Rachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart.
Mrs. Green: Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while youre trotting out to the garbage ten times a day?
Rachel: I dont know, Id leave it on the changing table? (Everyone gasps.) What?! Whatd I do? Whatd I do?!
Mrs. Green: You cant leave a baby alone!
Rachel: Oh come(Stutters)Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who wouldshe wouldnt be safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Yknow what? I think opening the presents right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, Im just gonna maybe open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful.
Woman: Its actually a bassinet.
Rachel: Okay mommy, dont ever leave me. (Hugs her.)
[Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing the game only everyone is really into it.]
Joey: (To Chandler) In what John Houston film would you hear this line, "Badges? We dont need no stinkin badges!"
Chandler: Treasure of the Sierra Madre!
Joey: Correct! Theres a possible backwards bonus!
Chandler: Madre Sierra the of Treasure!
Chandler: Id like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please.
Joey: Wise choice, how many rungs?
Joey: (makes a sound like a monkey) That noise can only me one thing.
Chandler: (disappointed and simultaneously as Ross) Hungry monkey.
Ross: (excited and simultaneously as Chandler) Hungry monkey! (To Chandler) Haaa! (To Joey) Id like a Wicked Wango card!
Joey: Okay, its an audio question, name this television theme song. (Starts humming the theme to I Dream of Genie.)
Ross: (thinking) Oh. (Pause) Oh! Oh my God! Okay, I know this, give me-give me a second!
Chandler: Tell it to the Time Turtle!
Ross: Shut up! I Dream of Genie!
Joey: Yes! Yes, youre back in the lead!
Ross: Id like to spin the wheel!
(Joey makes a sound like a game show wheel spinning with the pointer bouncing off of the bars on the wheel as it slows and comes to a stop.)
Chandler: (annoyed) Oh come on!!
Joey: All right! All right! Uh, umm, Super-Speedy Speed round!
Ross: Is there a hopping bonus?
Joey: Of course!
(Ross gets up and starts to hop on one leg.)
Joey: Who invented bifocals?
Ross: Ben Franklin.
Joey: Correct! Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?
Ross: Queen Victoria.
Joey: Correct again! But, you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus!
Ross: Noooo!!! Every time!!!
Joey: Now, over to Chandler.
Chandler: Id like a Google Card.
Joey: Are you sure?
Chandler: Yes! (Pause) No! (Pause) Google!
Joey: Oh my God! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, youve been Bamboozled!
Chandler: This is the best game ever!!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower has ended and everyone except for Mrs. Green have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up.]
Rachel: So umm, youre gonna stay with me as long as I need you?
Mrs. Green: Of course I am!
Rachel: Oh mom, I swear Im not an idiot. Ive read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didnt think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The babys coming and I dont know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie?
Mrs. Green: No. Sweetie, youre gonna be fine. (Starts to get up.)
Rachel: Wait-wait where are you going? Where are you going?
Mrs. Green: Im going to the bathroom.
Mrs. Green: Now dont worry! Everythings gonna be okay. (Hugs Rachel while she is standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica decides to join in on the hugging by hugging Mrs. Green from behind her back.)
Monica: It is going to be okay! (Mrs. Green glances over her shoulder and glares at Monica while she heads for the bathroom.) It was worth a shot.
Ross: (entering, out of breath) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty?
Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler! (Flexes in victory while everyone stares at him.) Which is not uh sexual thing. That was a quick shower.
Phoebe: Not if you were here.
Ross: Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good stuff.
Rachel: Oh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all.
Ross: (excited) A Play-Dough Barber Shop?
Rachel: No. Shes going to live with us for eight weeks.
Ross: Uh, what?
Rachel: Yes! Shes gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that Ross isnt happy.)
Ross: WhatYoure not serious. I mean shes a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. Shell drive us totally crazy.
Mrs. Green: (entering from bathroom) Hi Ross!
Ross: Hi roomie! (Hugs her and looks at Rachel.)
[Scene: Joeys Audition, Joey is being shown in.]
Man: Hey Joey, hi! Im Ray; Im the producer of the show.
Joey: (announcer voice) Its a pleasure to meet you Ray.
Ray: And this is Duncan (points to the cameraman) and Erin, theyre gonna help us out with the audition. So uh, lets get the camera rolling.
Joey: (announcer voice) Rightie-O Ray!
Ray: Whenever youre ready.
Joey: (to the camera) Hello, Im Joey Tribbiani! Lets play Bamboozled! Erin, you get the first question! In hockey, who is known as The Great One?
Erin: Wayne Gretzky.
Joey: Correct! Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
Ray: Uh Joey, didnt your agents give you the revised rules? Weve eliminated all of that. No wheel, no cards.
Ray: Uh well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didnt follow it.
Joey: Well whats complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! Youre in Paradise Pond!
Ray: Yeah all thats gone. Its basically just a simple question and answer game now.
Joey: Well whats fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game thats just people standing around answering questions?
Ray: Well, therell be women in bikinis holding up the scores.
Joey: (announcer voice to the camera) Lets play Bamboozled!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mrs. Green is telling Ross what needs to be done to baby proof his apartment.]
Mrs. Green: and all those dinosaur nick-knacks you have Ross, I thought they might be more at home in the garage.
Ross: Well we we dont have a garage.
Mrs. Green: Did I say garage? I meant garbage.
Ross: Yknow what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, its not absolutely vital that you live with us.
Mrs. Green: Well Rachel needs help with the baby.
Rachel: I do. I really do. I dont know anything.
Ross: Im-Im sure thats not true.
Rachel: Oh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know anything about babies?
Phoebe: No, not a thing.
Monica: Its frightening.
Ross: Well uh, yknow what? Even if she doesnt know anything, I do! I have a son. And his mother and I didnt live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself.
Mrs. Green: Thats true. You do have another child.
Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no control Ross?
Ross: Thats a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I will be there to to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want to do all those things.
Mrs. Green: Well then you really dont need me to live with you.
Ross: Yes! Yes, youre gonna be so missed.
Mrs. Green: Youre gonna be a great father.
Ross: Well youre gonna be a wonderful grandma. (They hug.)
Rachel: Hello?! I still dont know what the hell Im doing!
Ross: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. Youllyoure gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesnt believe that.) Hey! You will! Uh look, yknow when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddys credit card. Do you remember?
Rachel: I hope youre going somewhere with this.
Ross: Look at you! WhatYoure-youre this big executive! You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt youre gonna be an incredible mother.
Ross: Im telling you.
Rachel: Thank you. (Hugs him.)
Mrs. Green: All right you two, Im gonna get going.
Ross: Oh. (Rachel and he start to stand up.)
Mrs. Green: Oh no-no-no-no sweetheart, you stay put. Ill let myself out. Its like Im not here, which I almost wasnt.
Monica: (laughs) Youre still so funny. Youre so funny. (To Phoebe) What do I do?
Phoebe: Nothing! You have apologized to her like a million times and shes been nothing but terrible to you. And dont forget you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasnt even thanked you for it.
Monica: Yknow what? Youre-youre right.
Phoebe: Yeah I mean if you want to say anything to her, Id tell her off.
Monica: Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! (She ignores Monica and Monica follows her out into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to leave a party without saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasnt on purpose! But what youre during to me now is just plain spiteful!
Mrs. Green: Spiteful?!
Monica: Thats right! Maybe its time you took a good hard look at a mirror young lady old lady lady!
Phoebe: (To Monica) Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up
Monica: So whenever youre ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day! (Monica and Phoebe reenter the apartment and Monica closes the door on a stunned Mrs. Green.) I cant feel my legs!
Phoebe: You were fantastic! Im so proud of you!
Monica: Yeah? Im proud of me too.
Phoebe: You should be!
Monica: Yeah could-could-could you get me something to drink?
Phoebe: You got it!
Monica: Okay. (When Phoebe turns around Monica runs out into the hall after Mrs. Green.) Mrs. Green! Okay Im really sorry!! Im apologizing for the(She trips and falls down the stairs.) (Pause) Okay, I bit my tongue, but Im still really sorry!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is helping Rachel study for when the baby comes.]
Rachel: (closing a book) Okay! Im ready.
Ross: You sure?
Rachel: Yes, Ive done my studying and I really know my stuff.
Ross: All right then. (Gets up, in an announcers voice) Rachel Green! Lets play Bamboozled! (Reading from a note card.) How do you test the temperature of the babys bath water?
Rachel: Uh, put your elbow in it.
Ross: Excellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap?
Rachel: Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers.
Ross: Thats correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the baby makes this sound? (Makes a sound like someone is choking a cat.)
Rachel: Check if its wet, check if its hungry, burp it!
Ross: Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked Wango card?
Rachel: A card! A card! I pick a card!
Ross: Oh, Im sorry youve been Bamboozled! Youre gonna be a terrible mother! (Rachel stares at him agape.) Ive lost sight of why were doing this! (Rachel gets up and walks away.)