Written by: Brian Boyle
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]
Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives dont mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica arent amused.)
C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac.
Mac: Well, I couldnt have done it without you buddy. Youre a genius.
C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I cant get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?
(They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop-motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.)
Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think?
(They all make happy faces as they are unable to express their feelings verbally. Finally, the phone rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, its your mom. (Hands him the phone.)
Chandler: Its your mommy. Its your mommy.
Rachel: Thats nice.
Joey: (on phone) Mom, so what did you think? (He walks away allowing the gang a chance to figure out what theyre gonna say.)
Rachel: Well that was umm Okay.
Ross: It wasnt the best.
Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.
Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him?
Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.
Rachel: Ohh no you dont! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!
Monica: And I have costumes.
Ross: Oh great! That means Im stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there (Points to the TV) and you were sittin right here! Whoa!"
(Phoebe gets up.)
Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs?
Phoebe: I dont know. I dont know. I cant lie to him again. Oh no Ino! Im just gonna press my breasts up against him.
Chandler: And say nothing?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah thats right.
Joey: (hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? (Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her breasts against him.) It wasnt that good.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are reading on the couch.]
Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?
Rachel: (entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! Youll never gonna believe what happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and
Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! Youre not gonna believe what my agent just told me!
Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here!
Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.
Rachel: Okay, so anyway Im sittin in my office and guess who walks in.
Joey: Im gonna be on two TV shows!
Monica and Phoebe: Oh, thats great!!
Joey: Oh, you werent finished?
Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. (To Monica and Phoebe) It was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp) Ralph Lauren walked into my office!
Joey: Uh Rach, if youre gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.
Rachel: Its the same story.
Joey: (groans in disgust) Wow, its really long.
Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that hes so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?
Monica: Im so happy for you!
Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives.
Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh God!
Rachel: I gotI get a big pay raise!
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Joey: Ill be playing Drake Ramorays twin brother, Stryker!
Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant!
Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!!
Joey: (jumps up) WellI got a head rush from standing up too fast right there.
[Scene: Rachels New Office, shes interviewing a potential new assistant, Hilda.]
Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at this job for four years?
Hilda: Thats right.
Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?
Rachel: Ive never interviewed anyone before. Ive actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isnt the same thing.
Hilda: No dear. Its not.
Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in, it was nice to meet you.
Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you.
Rachel: All right. (Hilda exits) Im a total pro!
(Theres a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.)
Rachel: (seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh Im sorry the models are actually down the hall.
Man: Actually, Im here about the assistant job.
Rachel: Really?! (Taking his resume) Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so whatswhat iswhats your name?
Man: Tag Jones.
Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.
Tag: Thats it. Thats my whole name.
Rachel: Thats your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well lets-lets just have a look-see here. (Looking at his resume)
Tag: I know I havent worked in an office before, and I really dont have a lot of experience, but uh
Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? Youve got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Fridays, come on!
Tag: Its lame, I know. But Im a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn
Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.) Im sorry, its for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)
Phoebe: (To Monica) Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye.
Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Monica: I cant tell you. Its a secret.
Chandler: Secret? Married people arent supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
Monica: Awww. (Kisses him.) But still no.
Chandler: No Im serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
Monica: Really? Okay, so why dont you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland?
Chandler: Oh no-no, I cant do that.
Monica: If you tell me, Ill tell you what Phoebe said.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, were on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Monica: Oh my God. He threw up?
Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebes secret?
Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebes old massage place is getting fired.
Chandler: Thats it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
Monica: Thats right! You lose sucker!! (Pause) Please still marry me.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Rachel: No, I-I just dont know how you decide who to hire. I mean Ive got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then theres this guy
Chandler: What about him?
Rachel: I love him. Hes so pretty I wanna cry! I dont know what to do. Tell me what to do.
Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You dont hire an assistant because theyre cute, you hire them because theyre qualified.
Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what youre saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.) Look how pretty!
Phoebe: Lets see. (Looking at the picture) Oh my God! Oh But no! No! You cant-you cant hire him, because thatits not professional. Umm, this is for me (The picture) yes? Thanks. (Puts it in her pocket.)
Rachel: Okay youre right. Ill hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
Chandler: Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Dont show this to Monica! And dont tell her about the W-H-Wow!
[Scene: The Days of Our Lives producers office, Joey is entering to find Terry there.]
Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey!
Joey: Hey Terry!
Terry: Good to see you again!
Joey: Its been a while, huh? Wow, its funny these halls look smaller than they used to.
Terry: Its a different building.
Joey: So! Stryker Ramoray huh? When do you want me to start?
Terry: Why dont we start right now!
Terry: Here are the audition scenes. (Holds out the script.)
Joey: (looking between the pages and him) Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part.
Terry: Why would you think that?
Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Ramoray, Strykers twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right?
Terry: Everybody has to audition.
Joey: Yknow Terry, I-I dont really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, (Pause) with a robot.
Terry: Im sorry Joey thats thats the way it is.
Joey: Well. I guess you think youre pretty special huh? Sittin up here in your fancy small hall building. Makin stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well yknow what? (Throws the script away) This is one star whos hoop This is a star that the hoopthis hoopI was Dr. Drake Ramoray!
[Scene: Rachels office, shes there as Tag knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant.]
Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here?
Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there arent any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first (Notices her plant) There is a plant in your office.
Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldnt put "good at noticing stuff" on my resume. (Sets the plant down on her desk.)
Rachel: Oh-ohh, thank you.
Tag: Anyway, Im guessing you hired somebody.
Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: But I hired you!
Rachel: Yeah! You-you got the job! Youre my new assistant!
Tag: I am?!
Tag: I cant believe it!
Rachel: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Hey! Good, youre home!
Chandler: Oh its always nicer to hear than, "Aw crap! You again!"
Monica: Hey baby. (Kisses him.)
Monica: I made you a surprise.
Chandler: Oh yeah?
Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story Ive had such a craving for them.
Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Whats up?
Ross: Oh, nothin much. Just trying to figure out what Im gonna do for dinner.
Ross: (notices the table) HeyOoh! Whats-whats that, dinner stuff? You making dinner?
Chandler: No! (The oven dings.) Shhh!
Ross: What you got over there? Tacos?
Monica: No! No. Theyre umm Theyre just uh ground beef smileys. (Holding up one of the shells.)
Ross: Uhh, those are tacos.
Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico.
Ross: Eh, either way Ill pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still cant eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) Whats so funny?!
Monica: (trying not to laugh) Im not laughing.
(Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.)
Ross: (To Chandler) You told her!
Chandler: Nancy Thompsons getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)
Ross: (To Monica) Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! Its not like I chose to do it! Its not likeIts not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!"
Monica: Youre right. I mean Im sorry. Yeah, I shouldnt be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets Chandler laughing.)
Ross: (To Chandler) How could you tell her?!
Chandler: I had to okay?! Were getting married! Married couples cant keep secrets from one another!
Ross: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Monica: (running up to Ross) What happened in Atlantic City?!
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!"
Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what youre thinking, Chandlers not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and youre right, Chandlers not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard
Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey a massage as Rachel enters.]
Phoebe: HeyOoh, hows Hilda? Is she working out?
Rachel: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes.
Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?
Rachel: Oh, my-my new assistant was very happy that I hired my new assistant.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? (To Phoebe and Rachel) Its the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me for a minute? (On phone) Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next weeks script. (Listens) Canceled?! (Listens) Like theyre taking it off the air? (Listens) Ohh. (Listens) All right, see you Monday. (Listens) Were not even shootin them anymore?!! (Listens) All right, bye! (Hangs up) They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E!
Rachel: Im sorry Joey.
Joey: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?!
(Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each other, and go press their breasts against him. Which Joey doesnt mind, of course.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away all of their secrets.]
Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!
Monica: Oh my God! (Laughing)
Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too!
Monica: I-I already told him everything! (Threateningly) You shush!!
Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box shed made.
Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Ross: Monica couldnt tell time til she was 13!
Monica: Its hard for some people!
Chandler: (To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wowwhoa!
Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
Monica: Ohh, Im sorry I couldnt think of any more for Ross!
Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you!
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is still bumming about cancellation of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin!
Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives?
Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.
Phoebe: What happened?
Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.
Rachel: Joey, why would you do that?
Joey: Because they wanted me to audition!
Phoebe: You! An actor?! Thats madness!
[Scene: Rachels Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone.]
Tag: Rachel Greens office. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: Tag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi, who was that?
Tag: (shyly) Nobody. I was just practicing.
Rachel: Really? (Giggles.)
(Phoebe rounds the corner.)
Tag: Hi! Rachel Greens office.
Phoebe: You must be Hilda.
Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second? (Goes into office.)
Tag: Phoebe! Thats a great name.
Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.
Rachel: (grabbing Phoebe) Okay. Well be right back. (They go into her office and she closes the door.)
Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya?
Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but Im telling you
Phoebe: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.
Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that Ive ever done. But Im telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. (Theres a knock on the door.) Yes?
(Kathy enters (Because shes listed in the credits).)
Kathy: Hey Rachel!
Kathy: Cute assistant! Whats his story? Is he
Rachel: Gay? Yeah. (Kathy leaves dejectedly.)
[Scene: Terrys office, Joey has come to beg for a second chance.]
Joey: Hey! Terry.
Terry: Joey Tribbiani! Im surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! (Gets up) I gotta go Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! WaitLookWait I-I Look, Im really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking Im too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance.
Terry: I cant help you Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake.
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]
Nurse #1: This poor guys been in a coma for five years. Its hopeless.
Nurse #2: Its not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Ramorays a miracle worker. Look, here he comes.
(Stryker enters, only its not Joey playing him.)
Dr. Stryker Ramoray: Good morning. (He walks over to the bed, leans down, and whispers to him.) Drake, its your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?
The Director: And cut!
Joey: (jumping up and removing the bandages) Im back baby! Ha-ha-ha!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to each other.]
Monica: Yknow, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.
Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
Chandler: (To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now right?
Chandler: Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.)
Monica: I dont know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! (Ross laughs.) What are you laughing at Pampers? (He stops laughing and glares at her.)
Chandler: Yknow when I said that because were getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Lets not do that.
Monica: Ohh, absolutely.
Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else.
Monica: Yeah, definitely!
Ross: Okay, (gets up) if youll excuse me, I-Im gonna go hang out with some people who dont know the Space Mountain story.
Monica: Then, Id steer clear of Phoebe.
Ross: Man! (Monica mouths, "Im sorry.")
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldnt hang out with all the guys in my office.
(Ross storms out.)
[Scene: Rachels office, shes looking at a picture of Tag when he knocks and enters.]
Rachel: (noticing him) Hi! (Puts the pictures away.)
Tag: Do you have a minute?
Rachel: Well yeah, sure, whats up?
Tag: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunch by guys.
Rachel: Oh really?!
Tag: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay?
Rachel: Oh, did you not want people to know that?
Tag: But Im not gay. And I especially wouldnt want you to think I was gay.
Rachel: Whys that?
Tag: I dont think I should say.
Rachel: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I dont want you to feel like you cant tell me things. (Motions for him to sit down.)
Tag: Id love to ask out your friend Phoebe.
Rachel: (Pause) Yeah, shes gay.