Teleplay by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Story by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing around the table drinking champagne as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, whats going on?
Ross: I found a note on my door, "Come to Monicas quick, bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar."
Joey: (grabbing the candy bar) Yeah Ill take that.
Ross: Whats up?
Chandler: Monica and I are engaged.
Ross: Oh my God. (Hugs Chandler.) Congratulations.
Ross: Where is she?
[Cut to Monica out on the balcony.]
Monica: (yelling at the top of her lungs) Im engaged!!!!!! Im engaged!!!!
[Cut back inside.]
Joey: Yeah, shes been out there for twenty minutes, Im surprised you didnt hear her on the way over.
Ross: Oh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, "Im gay! Im gay!" Can I bring her in?
Phoebe: Oh no, let her stay out there. Its sweet.
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica: Im getting married!!!! Im gonna be a bride!!!! (Someone else yells at her.) No, I will not shut up because Im engaged! (He yells again.) Ohh, big talk! Huh, why dont you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fiancée will kick your ass! (Chandler starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20!
[Cut back inside.]
Chandler: (To Ross) Okay, you get her in here. (To Joey) You bolt the door. Ill be in the closet.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from earlier, everyone is now in the living room drinking champagne.]
Monica: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! (Bangs on her class with a spoon to make a toast.) Okay, umm, I just wanna say that I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night. (Chandler clears his throat.) Our special night. I mean it just wouldnt be myour-our night, if you all werent here to celebrate with meusDamnit!
Chandler: Its okay, I want this to be your night too. (Raises his class.) To Monica.
Monica: Awww, come onwaitstop it. Okay, to Monica.
Chandler: To Monica!
(They all say to Monica, clink their glasses, and drink.)
Phoebe: So have you decided on a band for the wedding? Because, yknow, Im kinda musical.
Rachel: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt shes even had time to
Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment?
Rachel: (To Monica) Yeah, youre on your own.
Monica: Yknow what we should do? We should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at The Plaza.
(They all agree and start to go and get ready.)
Joey: But I-I-I cant stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. Im supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. (Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this.) What?
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986?
Joey: You guys dont think I look 19?
(A brief silence ensues.)
Phoebe: Oh, 19! We thought you said 90!
(They all politely laugh and stop just as quickly.)
Monica: Okay everybody, lets go! Lets go!
(They all leave and Joey comes back in quickly.)
Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here?
Phoebe: Oh honey no, you ate it all.
Joey: I was afraid of that.
(Walks out and after he closes the door Phoebe turns around and takes a bite out of what is left of his candy bar.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, theyre getting ready.]
Monica: (looking at her hand) Yknow what shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond shoes! (Sees Chandler sitting on the bed.) Youre not getting dressed. (Chandler quietly folds over the comforter on the bed making a spot for her.)
Chandler: Know what I mean?
Monica: Yeah, but I dont think we have time.
Chandler: Theres gonna be a wedding. Youre gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress.
Monica: (lustily) Lets do it! (She kisses him and they fall back onto the bed.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, time lapse, Chandler is fully dressed and slowly walking out of the bedroom with a distressed look on his face.]
Monica: (chasing after him) Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, dont worry about it!
Chandler: (motioning with his hands) Im not worried, Im uh, Im fascinated. Yknow its like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from her room with her guitar.)
Phoebe: Check it out. Okay, I can play this when the guests are coming in. Okay. (Singing)
"First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay.
But here I am singing on his wedding day!"
Phoebe: If you wouldve let me finish, it goes on to say that hes probably not gay.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is looking at the foosball table.]
Chandler: Sure, you guys dont have this problem, youre made of wood. (Rachel comes out of the bathroom) Hey!
Chandler: You look great!
Rachel: (quietly) Oh, thanks.
Chandler: You okay over there?
Rachel: I dont know, yknow? I feel a little umm No, yknow what? Never mind, Im gonna be fine.
Chandler: Oh, dont worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody.
[Rachel exits into the hallway just as Ross is coming up the stairs.]
Ross: Wow! Happy Monicas night!
Rachel: Well thank you, you too.
Rachel: Hey, do you believe this? Do you believe they are actually getting married?
Ross: Well sure. But I get married all the time so
Ross: You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, I guess. I-I I mean, do-do you think were ever gonna have that?
Ross: You mean, weyou and me?
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone.
Ross: Oh good, you scared me for a minute.
Rachel: Shake it off.
Ross: I meanno, its just cause, its just cause you and I were like a nightmare. (Screams.) No, but there was some good times.
Rachel: No, absolutely. Yknow like it was umm
Ross: Surely you can think of something good.
Rachel: Yeah, just give me a minute! (Thinking) Oh well, yes, I can think of one good thing.
Rachel: Well you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff.
Ross: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh?
Rachel: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands.
Ross: My hands?
Ross: (to his hands) Way to go guys. Yknow, you-you were really good at the stuff too.
Rachel: Oh, I know. Hey, yknow what we never did? (Ross looks at her.) Oh no, not that. (Ross nods okay.) We uh, we never had a bonus night!
Ross: A what?
Rachel: Yknow, bonus night. Yknow, when two people break up but they get back together for just one night.
Ross: One night, just-just sex. No strings attached?
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, we never had that,
Ross: Okay, this is getting a little crazy. I mean, Im-Im sure it would be amazing but I gotta say I really-really dont think it would be a good idea. Yknow? I really, really dont.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is playing Playstation, Crash Team Racing to be exact (hes in last on Hot Air Skyway to be more exact) as Joey enters from his room desperately trying to look like a 19-year-old. Hes got the wool cap, hes got the cut-off Knicks jersey over the faded T-shirt, and hes got the whole pants-around-the-knees-showing-off-the-boxers thing that rich, white, suburban kids have adopted in a desperate and extremely futile attempt to try to look like theyre from the inner-city.]
Joey: Sup? Sup dude?
Chandler: (putting his hands up) Take whatever you want, just please dont hurt me.
Joey: So youre playing a little Playstation, huh? Thats whack! Playstation is whack! Sup with the whack Playstation, sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?!
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.
Joey: Come on man, really how old?!
Chandler: Young! Youre a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because everybodys ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!
Joey: Wow thanks! (He goes into his bedroom and closes the door.)
Chandler: Uh, youve had a lot of sex right?
Joey: When? Today? Some, not a lot.
Chandler: Well, its just the reason that Im asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable toI mean I really wanted to, but I couldnt . There huhhmm, there-there was an incident.
Joey: Dont worry about that man, that happens.
Chandler: Its happened to you?
Joey: Yeah! Once.
Chandler: Well, whatd you do?
Joey: I did it anyway.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the living room and Phoebe is in her room.]
Monica: Phoebe! Come on! Lets go! (Knocks on her door.) Come on! (Phoebe enters with guitar and not ready to go.) Why arent you dressed yet?!
Phoebe: Im sorry, but I just wrote the best dance song for your wedding. Check this out. (Gets ready to play.)
Monica: (grabs the guitar away from her) No, Phoebe, Ill tell you what, if you get ready now Ill let you play it at the wedding.
Phoebe: Really?! Oh thats so exciting! Thank you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon, if you touch my guitar again Ill have to pound on you for a little bit.
Monica: Fair enough, now go get ready!
Phoebe: Okay. (She goes to get ready.)
Monica: Ill get everybody else (Does so), finally we can start celebrating my(She gasps and is stopped by the sight of Ross and Rachel making out in the hall.) Im sorry, uh apparently Ive opened the door to the past.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from before the commercial break. Monica is walking into the apartment followed by Ross and Rachel.]
Ross: Okay, Monica. Mon, uh what-what you just saw
Monica: (interrupting) Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight?
Monica: See, Ive been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some people Im only planning on doing this once. So, uh yknow, maybe this is selfish and Im sorry about it, but I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that.
Rachel: Oh honey, but it is just about
Ross: It is! It is!
Monica: No its not! No! No! Now its about you and Ross getting back together!
Monica: See yeah umm, you kinda stole my thunder!
Ross: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not getting back together!
Rachel: Yeah. No. And you know what? Nobody even saw!
Monica: Thats true.
Rachel: Honey I swear it we just kissed.
Ross: It was just a kiss. (Phoebe enters and overhears this.)
Phoebe: You guys kissed!!!!! What does this mean?!! Are you, are you getting back together?! Can I sing at your wedding?
Monica: Thunder being stolen!!
Rachel: Okay come on Phoebe, its nothing! Monica, come on!
Ross: Look lets not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time thing. It doesnt even matter!
(Chandler and Joey enter and overhear that.)
Joey: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!!
Chandler: (angrily) I dont think thats what they were talking about Joe!!
Phoebe: What a great night, Chandler cant do it, these guys kissed (Points to Ross and Rachel.)
Joey: You guys kissed! Oh mythis is huge!
Ross: Oh no!
Rachel: No-no, its really not huge.
Ross: And; people thinking its huge has led Monica to believe that we are stealing her thunder. (To Monica) Which we are not!
Monica: Well, were still talking about it, arent we?
Phoebe: Well yeah, that and Chandlers problem.
Joey: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel.
Monica: Yes that would be lovely.
Joey: You got it. Okay. Now, I can pass for 19 right?!
Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.
Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31!
Joey: (gasps) Im 30!
Rachel: Joey, you are not! Youre 31.
Joey: (realizes) Aww crap!
Phoebe: Okay, so The Plaza! Okay, well get us some Mai Thais, (To Chandler) maybe no more for you though.
Monica: Yknow what? I-I think that umm, I dont feel like going to The Plaza.
Rachel: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous! Look
Monica: No-no, I-I really dont want to talk about it! I dont! (To Rachel) Especially with you. (Goes into her room.)
Joey: Psss, that is whack!
[Time lapse, Phoebe is playing the guitar for Joey.]
Phoebe: (shes strumming something) Yeah? (Joey nods yes.) Okay, I think Ill play it at the wedding.
Joey: Yeah! Well, I think well see if they actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, "You look 19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No you dont."
Phoebe: Well, I dont think Monica is gonna take this away.
Joey: Wouldnt she?
Phoebe: Would she?
Joey: Would she? (He smells something and gasps as he realizes what it is.) You ate my candy bar!
[Scene: Rachels bedroom, shes pacing as Ross knocks on her door and opens it a little to stick his hands in.]
Ross: Guess who? (Enters fully.)
Ross: Hey, I just realized we kinda left some stuff up in the air
Rachel: What do you think Monica meant when she said she didnt want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing.
Ross: Still thinking about it huh?
Rachel: Come on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that? (Mimicking Monica.) Especially you!
Ross: (loosening his tie) Oh, who cares?
Rachel: I care!
Ross: (tightening his tie) And so do I.
Rachel: Yknow what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed?
Ross: Okay. Sure. (Sits down on her bed.)
Rachel: Am I going to let you watch me undress?
Ross: (sitting up) No! (Exits.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, they are both getting undressed.]
Monica: I cant believe her, yknow its justits so typical.
Chandler: Now Monica, I know youre upset, but dont forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then theres going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris.
Chandler: We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la (mumbles something).
Monica: Keep talking.
Chandler: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because its romantic, but because I can!
Monica: I love you!
(They start making out and both start to feel something growing below the belt line.)
Monica: (in a French accent) Bonjour, monsieur.
Chandler: Okay, dont say anything, you might scare it away.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Chandler: Its Paris, who knows were here!
Monica: (opening the door) Hi Pheebs, whats up? (She enters.)
Phoebe: Okay, you said I could sing at your wedding so, Im just gonna need a small deposit.
Phoebe: Yknow, just some good faith money to hold the date.
Chandler: Pheebs, were not giving you a deposit for our wedding!
Phoebe: Oh, I see. (Exits angrily.)
[Cut to the living room, Joey is eating a sandwich.)
Joey: They break your heart, dont they?
Phoebe: Yknow, I dont really need their permission.
Joey: Yeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding!
Phoebe: Yeah! And if you wanna look 19, then you You gotta do something about your eyes.
Joey: What?! Whats wrong with my eyes.
Phoebe: They give you away! Theres just-theres just too much wisdom in there. (Joey nods in agreement.) Just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes.
Joey: And thatll get rid of my wisdom?
Phoebe: Maybe just 10 minutes for you.
[Cut back to Monica and Chandlers room, they are making out again as theres another knock on the door.]
Chandler: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I dont care!
(Monica opens the door to Ross and Rachel.)
Rachel: Monica, what did you mean before when you said you didnt want to talk to anyone, especially me?
Chandler: What a great apology! (To Monica) And you accept! Okay, bye-bye!
Rachel: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about?
Monica: Well, lets just say its not the first time youve stolen my thunder.
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, heres a thought.
(Rachel ignores him and follows Monica into the kitchen.)
Rachel: Monica, what are you talking about?
Monica: My Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you went to third base with my cousin Charlie.
Chandler: (entering) Ahh, third base.
Monica: Its all everybody at the party could talk about!
Rachel: Monica, yknow what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring!
Monica: (gasps) We had a caricaturist!
Phoebe: (singing, angrily)
"Whenever I get married, guess who wont get to sing?
Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!"
Rachel: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago.
Monica: And yet, here we are doing it again.
Rachel: Ugh, Monica I dont want to steal your stupid thunder!
Monica: Oh please! Why else would you have made out with Ross?!
Ross: Got me. (He shows of his hands.)
Rachel: All right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it aint gonna happen!
Monica: I just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night!
Rachel: I swear, I never wanted any part of your night!
Monica: Oh, is that why you did it in the secret hallway where nobody ever goes?!
Ross: Uh, Rachel, Ive been thinking. I dont think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. Im calling it off.
Chandler: (To Ross) Why to save your dignity my man.
Rachel: (ignoring them) Monica, why? Why would I ever want to take away from your night?
Monica: I dont know! I dontmaybe youre feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought youd get married first! Maybe you cant stand the fact that your formerly fat friend is getting married before you!
Rachel: Oh wow. Thatyknow what? That is so unfair. Yknow what? Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, lets go have sex!
(Ross tries to dismiss it by making that sound, but decides to go for it and follows Rachel.)
Monica: (yelling after them) I cant believe youre gonna have sex on my engagement night!!
Chandler: Well, somebody should. (Monica glares at him.)
[Cut to Rachels bedroom.]
Ross: Look uh, if were gonna do this
Rachel: Were not gonna do this, all right? Shes just gonna think that were doin it.
Ross: Oh, I see, so everybody wins.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Rachel: Who is it?
Monica: (outside the door) Its Monica, open up!
Rachel: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a minute! (Motions for him to follow her lead, but he angrily shakes his head no. So she pokes him.)
Rachel: Yeah, you like that baby? (Monica bursts in followed by Chandler.) May we help you?
Monica: I just wanted to say that I hope you do have sex tonight and I hope that you guys get back together, but I must warn you, the night that you announce your engagement Im going to announce that Im pregnant!
Chandler: How is that ever going to happen?!
Rachel: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?!
Monica: I know why!
Rachel: No you dont know why!
Monica: Okay! Why?!
Rachel: Because! Because I was sad.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Look, I am so so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that Im not. Im not even close. And I dont know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that thats dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler!
(Ross looks at Chandler.)
Chandler: (To Ross) I dont care, she slept with me.
Rachel: Anyway sweetie, I am, Im so sorry I ruined your night.
Monica: (starting to cry) Im sorry I almost made you sleep with Ross. (They hug.)
Ross: (deadpan) Well, Im going to take off. (To Chandler) Congratulations man.
Ross: (at the door) And uh, Rachel.
Ross: What can I say, you missed your chance. From now on the only person whos going to enjoy these bad boys (holds up his hands) is me. (Quickly realizes what he said and exits disgustedly.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is singing outside Monica and Chandlers door.]
"We thought Phoebe would leave, but she just stayed and stayed.
Thats right, Im here all night, and Chandler will never get l "
Chandler: (interrupting her just in time) Hey! Heres a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding.
Phoebe: Oh thank you.
Chandler: Okay. (Goes back to bed.)
Phoebe: Now (Starts singing again) "Who will perform the ceremony! Who will perform the cer(Chandler enters and grabs her guitar and closes the door behind him)Ohoh! All right, Ill pound on him in the morning.